Father’s Day -- By the book

It's been 13 years since I received my very first Father's Day gift.

My wife was pregnant with our first child, and she gave me a book. It was a book on being a father. I think it was supposed to be part inspirational, part practical advice.

'Thanks, this is really great,” I said, unconvincingly.

I thumbed through its table of contents several times, but I didn't read it. I meant to. Really I did. It sat on my nightstand like a ticking time bomb, a thick, bound reminder that our lives were about to be changed drastically. And I wouldn't be ready. I would be a disaster. No book could change that.

I know I was being dumb. But maybe if that book's chapters had been interesting, or sounded more realistic, I might have set aside my anxieties. Maybe if it looked more like this, it would have been a real page-turner.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Part 1 - The Baby

Chapter 1 - You won't break the baby, probably.

Chapter 2 - What's that smell? Is it supposed to look like that? A field guide.

Chapter 3 - Don't move a muscle! The art of theatrical sleep.

Chapter 4 - The 'sick” baby, your get-out-of-boring-invitations-free card

Chapter 5 - A bottle-warmer, the world's least effective appliance.

Chapter 6 - Caddyshack! Winning at late night TV roulette.

Chapter 7 - Cake and screaming for a crowd - The joy of overdoing birthday 1.

Chapter 8 - Call the exorcist - Stomach flu and you.

Part 2 - You're So Big!

Chapter 9 - Limiting TV time - What to do if your child's first word is 'Elmo.”

Chapter 10 - How much cash should you bring to Sesame Street Live? How much have you got?

Chapter 11 - Transforming routine errands into a stealth round of golf.

Chapter 12 - Rapid, strategic retreat. The military approach to eating out.

Chapter 13 - Accidents happen. Why big stores have janitors and strong chemicals.

Chapter 14 - Potty training goal-setting - No Pullups by prom!

Chapter 15 - One day at a time - kicking the binky in 12 steps

Chapter 16 - Pulling fingers and hiding noses. Dad gags that work

Chapter 17 - Never leave a blanky behind - Search and rescue at the shopping mall.

Part 3 - Growing Up!

Chapter 18 - Scorpions, cobras and sharks in your basement? Dealing with irrational fears, rationally.

Chapter 19 - The thirsty dad - teaching responsibility and work ethic through beer-fetching. Chapter 20 - Chicken nugget spaghetti with chocolate sauce - Recipes for the picky eater.

Chapter 21 - It's only a flesh wound. Pumpkin carving tips.

Chapter 22 - I saw mommy getting Santa a fistful of Advil

Chapter 23 - It's Only Rec. League - Putting totally boneheaded calls in perspective.

Chapter 24 - Soccer - the world's most popular sport. Because the world can't see this game.

Chapter 25 - Beer and Earplugs - Sleepover survival strategies that work.

Chapter 26 - Yes, I do have to watch stupid football all the time! Controlling the remote.

Chapter 27 - Dad, what's genocide? The pluses and minuses of NPR in the car.

Chapter 28 - Stand your ground or run for the hills? Your tween becomes a teen.

Chapter 29 - Eye rolls and door slams. Why are you so stupid?

Chapter 30 - Big screen dreams. Getting what you really want for Father's Day.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman#thegazette.com