Embrace Cedar Rapids’ speedy new brand

Cedar Rapids' speed cameras have given this fair city what no branding effort or marketing firm could deliver: a genuine, authentic, organically grown brand identity.

Cedar Rapids - The Ultimate Speed Trap of the Midwest.

It was dubbed as such by the Minneapolis Star-Tribune earlier this month, thanks to a story by former Gazette scribe Adam Belz. He deftly detailed how thousands of high-speed northland hockey pucks were ensnared in our high-tech photographic dragnet on I-380.

Will you get a ticket if you race through our town like a rocket-powered loon? You betcha.

Just days later, our own B.A. Morelli noted that, according to the National Motorists Association, based on member comments, Cedar Rapids trails only Houston in the race to become America's worst speed trap city.

That's 'Houston - The City with No Limits.” Not an organic brand, obviously.

Maybe you're worried this speed trap thing is not the brand we're looking for to encourage visitation and relocation to Cedar Rapids. Could it be this Blue Zone is getting a black eye for sending $75 surprises to thousands of out-of-staters.

Most folks I've talked to and heard from in recent days, however, could not care less what speeders think.

Aaron McCreight, the brand-new president and CEO of the Cedar Rapids Area Convention and Visitors Bureau, doesn't seem worried.

'Every community, big and small, has warts,” he told our editorial board this past week.

Mayor Ron Corbett shrugged it off when he appeared on an Iowa Public Radio segment sparked by Belz's article.

'Our citizens support it,” Corbett said, by a 'super majority.” He said the system is designed to catch 'extreme speeders,” who make up less than one-half of 1 percent of cars traveling through on I-380. It's no unfair speed trap.

Regardless, I think a good, authentic brand comes along infrequently, like Halley's Comet or a productive Congress. Sure, it's true the city hasn't decided whether to take the Iowa Department of Transportation to court over its order that some cameras be removed and moved. So their fate is uncertain.

But I say we embrace the brand. And as catchy as 'Ultimate Speed Trap of the Midwest” is, I say we come up with our own local label.

Luckily I have ideas.

We could go full P.T. Barnum.

'See the Amazing Curves of Death!”

Or we could appeal to Star Wars fans.

'Cedar Rapids - It's a Trap!”

Maybe a nod to our political prominence.

'First in the Nation, First in Citations.”

Several concepts could appeal to our sense of civic pride.

'The Fifth Season is for Braking.”

'Slow Down and Smell the Progress.”

'Cedar Rapids - A De-Acceleration Celebration!”

'De-Accelerate - You'll See We're Great!”

'Cedar Rapids - Enjoy Our Curves Responsibly.”

'Cedar Rapids - Now Less Rapid.”

'Cedar Rapids - Where Haste Makes Bucks.”

'Cedar Rapids - Pretty as a Picture, and We Just Snapped Yours.”

'Now Entering Cedar Trapids.”

'Stay, Dine, Be Sure to Pay Your Fine.”

'Home of the Freedom Festival - Certain Restrictions May Apply.”

We could appeal to drivers of faith.

'Punishing Sinners on the Avenue of the Saints.”

Or sticklers for discipline.

'The Corridor's Hall Monitor.”

Perhaps Cedar Rapids could tie its speed trap status to its proud cultural and historic heritage.

'Stop Speeding. You'll Drop Your Kolache.”

'See Der Rabbits, but Drive Like a Tortoise.”

'Welcome to Cedar Rapids - Please Czech Your Speedometer.”

'Why Slow Down? Grant Would.”

'Why Hurry? We've Been Here Since 1849.”

Personally, I believe snark, with a shot of Burma Shave (look it up, kids) would do the trick.

'Rushing on Through? We Have a Present for You.”

'Cedar Rapids - Ready for Your Close Up.”

'Twelve Will Cost You 75.”

'Won't Reduce Your Velocity? Thanks for Your Generosity.”

'Step on the Gas, We'll Fine Your … Vehicle.”

'Welcome, Extreme Speeders, You've Got Mail.”

'We're So Glad You're Here, So We Photographed Your Rear (license plate).”

'Car Dashing. Camera Flashing. Your Check We're Cashing.”

'It's Safety! It's Greed! Who Cares? Reduce Your Speed.”

Unfortunately, that's all the terrific ideas I have. You're devastated, I know.

Maybe you have better ones. Let's hear ‘em.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com