Pants-Free Parenting: Embarrassing your children is circle of life

The first time I remember being embarrassed by my mom was when I was 12. I was at the mall with my friend and we were supposed to meet my mom in front of the Sears store at noon. So at 11:58 a.m. as I stepped onto the elevator I looked down to see her waving and yelling, 'Boo! We are right here! Boo!”

I should explain that Boo was my childhood nickname, which by age 12 I was beginning to hate.

I had felt so mature walking through the mall with my PacSun bag swinging against my legs and that illusion was completely broken by the woman with the fruit earrings waving at me and screaming 'Boo!” I was humiliated. I tried to duck behind the handrails of the escalator. My ears burned and I didn't speak to her for the rest of the day.

Three days ago, my 4-year-old told me I embarrassed her.

I had gotten confused over which day she could pick up her Valentine's Day surprise at school, a balloon purchased through a fundraiser.

She had excitedly told her friends she was getting her balloon on Tuesday, but when Tuesday arrived, I had to tell her she was actually getting it on Wednesday. She sulked the whole way home from school.

When we got back to the house, she glared. 'You really embarrassed me,” she said.

'I'm so sorry,” I said. But I wasn't convinced she actually knew what 'embarrassed” meant. 'Have I embarrassed you before?”

She rolled her eyes. 'Yeah, when you talk loud that really embarrasses me.”

OK, so she knew what the word meant. I apologized again.

I don't want to embarrass my child. I understand that eventually my personality, my chronic inability to remember and my loud voice are going to bring her shame. And actually, fruit earrings kind of sound fun right now so there is that too.

It's a universal truth of parenting that whoever you are will eventually bring your kids down. And that's OK. That embarrassment is part of accepting the deal they got at birth.

Shame is a natural process of separation, when a child realizes that they are different from their parent, but that they also don't have to be defined by their parent.

Parenting, however, is when that same parent grows up and realizes that they are exactly like their parents and are going to humiliate their children in the same way. That's the real circle of life. The only way to opt out is to not have kids.

I don't believe in using embarrassment and humiliation as a tool of punishment. But I also would love to buy a pair of fruit earrings so that when my daughter is 12 I can loudly shout, 'Fancy pants! I'm right here!”

' Lyz Lenz is a writer, mother of two and hater of pants. Email her at eclenz@gmail.com or find her writing at LyzLenz.com.