Luck has smiled upon me

Todd Dorman, 24 Hour Dorman

Chances are, if you're reading this, I've become a billionaire, overnight.

After all, I left explicit instructions to delete this column if I did not win the $1.5 billion Powerball jackpot last night. If luck failed to smile upon me, I prepared a replacement piece on topsoil to run instead. What could go wrong?

But, lucky for me, when you're sitting on giant piles of money, the last thing you need to worry about is credibility. Apparently, it comes with the cash.

For example, yesterday, if I had said, 'Let's deport 11 million people, build a giant wall and make Mexico pay for the whole shebang,” I'm just another rambling nut on a bar stool. Today, I'm a fearless voice tapping into national anxieties. See the difference?

Rest assured, I'm well aware the toughest job I now have is keeping my family grounded as we come to terms with this instant fortune. I understand my kids will be clamoring for horse ranches, roller coasters and an elaborate system of pipes, valves and ice luges bringing hot fudge and ice cream to every room in our house. The usual stuff.

But we're putting our foot down. No spoiled rich kids. Besides, if they want to join Taylor's squad, they've got to keep it real.

And I see no reason to move from our cozy home in Marion. Sure, we may add a few floors, some towers, a parapet or two, an odd marble column here and there. Nothing fancy. Nothing outlandish. And it's not like any of my neighbors will have to call our home Dorman Abbey, or me Lord Dorman, but that's entirely up to them. It's a free country.

My footmen? Well, that's different.

No doubt we will be giving considerable sums to charity. We'll pay a few bills. Shop for islands, price modest family jets. I'll likely upgrade our Iowa football tickets. No worries, I'll stay out of Kirk's way on the sidelines.

And that's 'The Sidelines - Presented by Lord Dorman.”

There's that unfortunate fight over school funding at the Statehouse. I'll have to pop in and smooth it over with a personal check. No worries. It's the least I can do, really, considering it was in a public school were I first learned about odds, percentages and probability. Luckily, I forgot all that and bought a lottery ticket anyway.

Sure, I'd like to dabble in politics. I expect it will take me a while to become so out of touch that I actually think I'm suited for high office, probably starting with president.

A Super PAC might be a better option, for now. How about 'Standing Together for Unity?”

I'll buy loads of TV time in key battleground states. But instead of campaign ads, we'll just run classic 30-second scenes from patriotic movies, new citizen swearing-in ceremonies, fireworks displays, eagle cams, kids running through sprinklers, dogs catching Frisbees, sizzling steaks on a grill and great sports endings.

'Do you believe in miracles? Yes!”

But don't worry, I'll still be writing. And thanks to my new economic independence, I've got some shocking choice words I've been meaning to get off my chest …

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So the topsoil issue won't be buried any time soon.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com