Sorry governor, you’ve been Trumped

Warning: Satire.

Ring ... Ring ... Ring.

Dez Perate Political Consulting. If you're way behind, get Dez Perate.

This is Dez speaking ….

Oh, hello governor (garbled), so good to hear from you. I've been expecting your call. How's your presidential campaign going?

'Well, Dez, my poll numbers are plunging like a turkey dropped from a helicopter. Nobody's showing up at my campaign events. I'm scanning the ditches for pop cans to pay my staff. I'd have to rob a convenience store to get mentioned on the news. I can't even give away my brand-new book, 'Beers, Buckeyes, Beaches, Bandanas, Banjos and Bombers.”

You focus-group that title guv?

'You bet. Sixteen groups, 10 days. We're very proud of it.”

Yeah, well, it sounds like you've been Trumped, my friend.

'It's true. I didn't see it coming. I'm like a bug smashed on the jewel-encrusted grill of a huge, classy and luxurious solid gold RV.”

Don't lose hope governor. Dez is on the case.

Have you, by chance, ever been on a reality TV show?

'No, but I've been the governor of a very important state. And I have detailed proposals for how I'd lead America to a more peaceful, prosperous …”

No good. Inexperienced is the new highly qualified. Outraged is the new smart. Erratic is the new dependable. I hope you're taking notes.

You're the establishment, governor. Political poison. I've dug into the numbers and it's crystal clear what many America voters now want. They want neo-paleo moderate conservative liberalism, a socially progressive, fiscally conservative socialist authoritarian populism, seasoned with evangelical secularism and served with a heaping side of belligerent isolationism.

Also, a cool hat.

And, of course, they're all mad as hell.

'I'm feeling dizzy. Somebody get me a scotch.

'Listen, Dez, I'm a consistent, dependable conservative, a steady leader and loyal Republican. I may disagree with folks, but I treat everyone with respect. Civility has been a hallmark of my political career.”

Wow. This is going to be tough. Consistency, loyalty, civility? You've got a ton of baggage, governor. We've got to figure out how to Trump you up.

'I don't know, Dez. I figured if I explained what I'd actually do as president, people might appreciate my depth and specifics. After all, Iowa caucusgoers take their responsibility to vet the candidates very seriously. Surely they'll be expecting substance over style.”

Yeah, well, the latest Iowa Poll shows 57 percent of Republican caucusgoers say they don't need clear positions or specifics. They think it's fine if a candidate just figures out this whole president thing when they get to the Oval Office. Among Trump's backers, 65 percent need no details.

Iowans also say what they like most about Trump is that he tells it like it is.

'Tells it like it is? So Iowans believe a president can unilaterally impose taxes to pay for a massive fantasy border wall, deport 11 million people, re-invade Iraq and take its oil, bully other nations into pro-American trade deals and simply replace Obamacare with `something terrific?' Tortured POWs aren't heroes? The president wasn't born in the United States?”

Actually, 59 percent of Iowa Republicans polled either don't think the president was born in the United States, or aren't sure.

'But, but, but what about clear-eyed Midwestern horse sense? Tough questions? Kicking tires? Testing mettle …”

Yeah, I've also got some bad news about Santa Claus, governor.

'What about the $100 million I've spent, and the $500 million Super PAC that's got my back?”

Sorry governor. Voters are tired of billionaires trying to buy the presidency for someone else. They want billionaires trying to buy the presidency for themselves.

Face it, my friend, it's a whole new world. And we've got to put you back on the map, in a hurry. First, you've got to hit social media, hard. I'm sending you some suggested tweets.

One wall? LOL I'll build two. Piranha moat between. We'll feed them congressmen! #trumpwimp #softonwalls

I'll make China sign my trade deal on the deck of a huge battleship. #surrender #bigguns #USA

Obama wasn't born abroad. He was engineered in an East German lab. I have proof! #bombshell #testtubeprez

I'll outlaw Iran on day one. We begin bombing in 5 minutes. #gipperstrong. #boom

'Seriously, Dez? How can I pretend to support such ludicrous nonsense? What about my policy proposals?”

Sure, you're going to come out strongly in favor of a 100 percent tax on losers, a 100 percent tax cut for winners and a huge economic plan that will be awesome and totally non-disasterous. You'll also promise to send everybody in the media to mandatory re-education resorts to learn how not to be so terrible and wrong all the time. And you'll challenge Putin to a duel with broadswords.

'Well, I guess I can stomach all this if it gets me the nomination ...”

Sorry, governor. Trump isn't your only problem. Have you, by chance, ever performed neurosurgery?

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com