Mixing up caucus cocktails

So maybe the caucus campaign is driving you to drink. Here are some cocktails to try.

Hillary's Caucus Highball

A shot-and-a-half of 3 a.m. Vodka, situation room strength.

Two liberal shots of New Grandma.

One massive, premature over-pour of Coronation cognac, infused with Aura of Inevitability.

A generous glug of Old Baggage.

Four ounces of Long Slog.

A shot of Famous Spouse.

A half-ounce of Impeach Schnapps.

An unmistakable hint of malfeasance.

Combine ingredients. Mix slowly, rationally, reasonably, until the drink is incrementally progressive, but not revolutionary. Filter into a Personal Server.

Feeling the Bern Revolutionary Punch

Eight ounces of Firebrand.

Four Shots of Dr. McOligarchy's.

16 ounces of Complacent Rival.

A quart of Single Payer scotch.

12 Free College Lagers, poured through a beer bong.

One gallon of Absolute Taxation.

Two gallons of Billionaire's Blood.

A large scoop of Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Socialist.

A very small pinch of policy detail.

Mix ingredients in a bathtub. Drink until the intoxicating possibility of real, revolutionary change in Washington seems entirely possible. Pay for it in the morning.

Ted Cruz's 'New York Values” Manhattan

Two-and-a-half ounces of Canadian whisky, imported.

A half-ounce of Light Sweet Crude Vermouth.

One ounce of ethanol, poured down a nearby drain.

A surreptitious splash of Goldman Sachs Champagne.

A full pander of Evangelico.

A packet of Artificial Reagan.

An edition of the New York Times, burned, ashes reserved.

A pinch of sand, preferably glowing.

Combine ingredients in a tall Texas tumbler and divide, sharply, into red Solo cups. Garnish with real American cherries.

Terry's Ethanol Punch

4 billion gallons of ethanol.

One Texas Fifth of Corn Risky.

A torch.

Mix with a pitchfork. Move to a safe distance.

The Full Grassley

99 Cups of coffee, church basement strength.

99 Slices of Pizza Ranch Pizza.

99 Casey's breakfasts.

99 Ricks of pie.

99 Hucks of Gladhanding 16, straight.

99 Shots of Scottie Walker Fled.

99 Pundits of Totally Wrong.

Dump ingredients into a big caldron. Set expectations, then lower them, and steep for 18 to 24 months. Convince Iowans to swallow it.

Make Your Cocktail Great Again

50 gallons of Absolut Ego.

A huge, luxurious pour of Orange Outrage.

12 gallons of bitter.

A full Palin of Sneering Whine.

Two glugs of Mussolini.

Eight shots of Jingomeister.

A fact-checker of Pants on Fire.

Muddle loudly in a golden chalice. Dump on a loser.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com