The Week - Straw Poll belongs to the ages

(Obligatory warning: Satire)

Straw Poll, a once politically potent presidential king-maker who drew thousands of Iowa Republicans and media into his rollicking big tent of overinflated, barbecue-smoked excess, has died. It was 36.

State Republican Party officials announced the death this morning. A lengthy, seemingly endless, autopsy is likely, although indifference, over-indulgence, bloating, hyperbole, unrealistic expectations, sunburn, reflux and intense media criticism are among causes under investigation.

'I blame the Federal Reserve,” said former Texas U.S. Rep. Ron Paul, whose motivated supporters made him a Straw Poll favorite.

'Obama decrees only Muslims can vote in Straw Poll, event cancelled,” said your Facebook feed.

Starting out as a modest, friendly straw vote at a 1979 party event in Ames, Straw Poll's legend grew by the mid-1990s into what was often called a 'key test of organizational strength,” driving presidential hopefuls to break the bank, buy votes and pack chartered buses to win its favor. Campaigns pulled out all the stops to outdo one another with truckloads of food, large, festive inflatables and top-notch, D-list entertainment. 'I'm as big as the caucuses,” Straw Poll wrote in a controversial 2001 autobiography.

Celebrities often gravitated to Straw Poll. Now, they mourn.

'Don't it make your brown eyes blue?” county great Crystal Gayle, who once sang before a very sparse crowd at Lamar Alexander's 1999 Straw Poll party, said in a statement.

Critics insisted Straw Poll had become far too big and far too powerful. Candidates who declined to participate and pay high tribute to Straw Poll drew disdain from state party leaders. Hopefuls who did participate and failed to meet Straw Poll's lofty expectations often were driven from the presidential race all together.

'Aw, that's a damn shame. Really too bad. Was it painful? Did it suffer?” said former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who left the 2012 presidential race shortly after a poor showing failed to impress Straw Poll.

But Straw Poll's perch on top of the political world swiftly unraveled.

Its relevance took a body blow after Straw Poll's 2011 pick, former Minnesota U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann, finished a distant 6th in the actual Iowa caucuses. The guy who won the caucuses, Rick Santorum, was Straw Poll's fourth choice. The eventual GOP nominee, Mitt Romney, blew off Straw Poll entirely.

'Worst Straw Poll ever,” wrote one prominent blogger and comic book store owner.

Campaign strategists sensed that Straw Poll, with its unsavory, pricey vote-buying and overinflated importance, was on its way out. Even Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad, long a Straw Poll pal, said it had outlived its usefulness. It was the beginning of the end.

State Party leaders checked Straw Poll into a last-ditch rehab program. He moved to a rustic, rural site outside of Boone. Straw Poll agreed to share the land with campaigns for free, and provide them with food and a big tent. It will be different, Straw Poll insisted.

'But you still have to buy votes,” Straw Poll said. 'Who do you think I am, Bernie Sanders?”

In the end, it became clear Straw Poll's death spiral could not be stopped. Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, and even close, close friend Mike Huckabee each abandoned Straw Poll. Santorum said he would spend no money on Straw Poll. Scott Walker wouldn't commit to Straw Poll. Only Donald Trump and Ben Carson expressed interest in attending. 'So is one going to do brain surgery on the other?” Straw Poll quipped, keeping his biting sense of humor to the very end.

The political world reacted swiftly to the news.

'I warned Straw Poll. They'll be coming for you. Tone it down, dial it back. You're not the main event. Straw Poll wouldn't listen,” said Iowa Precinct Caucuses, Straw Poll's friend and rival.

'I thought the corn-pickers would never pull the plug,” said the New Hampshire Primary.

'We've already ordered extra hay bales,” said the Iowa State Fair.

'Polls? You want polls? We've got polls,” said Ann Selzer.

At Straw Poll's request, there will be no funeral, only a quiet memorial gathering for a few thousand close friends. Entry fee, $30.