Looking for love (in small places)

'Geographically undesirable” is how Douglas Burns put it. At least, he said, that's how dating websites refer to people seeking dates in rural areas.

The Carroll native, now 45, has never married.

After graduating from Carroll High in 1987, he continued his studies at Northwestern University in Chicago and later worked in Florida, Virginia and Washington, D.C., before returning to his hometown at 27 to continue the family newspaper business, the Herald Publishing Co. Now he's a co-owner.

The trouble for him, he said, was not only finding a single woman in the town of 10,000, but also a woman with a college education who shared similar interests.

'It's difficult to find the certain qualities you want,” agreed Brittany Mohr, a 23-year-old living and working at a bank in Hopkinton, a town of just more than 600 people. 'You kind of have to leave it up to fate.”

Burns, however, disagrees.

'In rural areas, if you're going to be successful and find somebody, you really can't leave it to chance,” he said. 'You really have to be more tactical and aggressive because the random meetings of eligible mates, just based on population, it's not statistically possible here.”

Looking at the numbers, you can see Burns has a point.

According to U.S. Census data released in 2013, based on a five-year average, Iowa's cities with populations of more than 50,000 show 41.31 percent of people - 15 years and up - are married, while 58.69 are unmarried. In cities with more than 10,000 people, 49.47 percent are married, while 50.53 are unmarried.

In fact, as population numbers drop, the number of married couples rises. With populations between 2,500 and 10,000, 52.63 percent are married, while 47.37 are unmarried.

When the population dips below 2,500, 56.36 percent are married, while 43.64 percent are unmarried.

Of the few options available to singles in small towns, their chances are narrowed even more by the risk of diving into their own gene pool. On top of that, everyone knows everyone, which means going to the bar to meet new people isn't a great option, either. Most people meet through mutual friends.

'There's a Noah's arc complex in rural Iowa,” Burns said, explaining that 'people instinctively want to see people in pairs,” so they act as matchmakers 'constantly trying to get you in a pair with a friend or acquaintance.”

But living in such a tight-knit community - where it sometimes feels as if you're in a relationship with the whole town - isn't always that bad.

'It's like a huge family,” said Alicia Gage, a 20-year-old Van Horne native who now lives in Cedar Falls while studying nursing at Allen College. (Van Horne population as of 2013: 671.)

She said that although she doesn't think she ever would have 'found anyone for the future” in a small town at her age, she doesn't believe it's impossible.

Moreover, Danielle Busta, a 21-year-old from Atkins, who studies nursing at University of Iowa, has been dating her boyfriend - who is from Van Horne, also in Benton County - for seven years. She said it's nice to be dating someone who has grown up with the same 'small-town values and morals” she has. (Atkins as of 2010 recorded a population of 1,670.)

People who have grown up in a small town appreciate the little things more and aren't materialistic, she said. They value things such as community, faith and family.

'You know the families. You've usually grown up around them so you know who they are,” agreed 23-year-old Amanda Mesch, another Hopkinton native who is now living and working at Zimmerman Auto Center in Cedar Rapids. 'You know their morals and have a little bit more of an understanding of who they are and who they are going to be.”

And, she said, there's not a lot of sneaking around.

'If your significant other is doing something bad or if something happened, you're always going to know about it,” she said. 'Either they fess up or you hear it from somebody else.”

'If you're dating in New York City, you could have four different cellphones and probably pull it off,” Burns said. 'If you're dating in rural Iowa, then it's going to be a lot harder. You'll be able to monitor people's fidelity much more easily.”

Though there's not as much to do in small towns - going out to dinner or a movie requires leaving town, typically a 30-minute drive or more - that doesn't mean dating is impossible. You just have to get more creative, which usually leads to more intimate dates that in turn make the getting-to-know-you game easier.

‘Just the presence of each other'

At Bobby T's bar in downtown Atkins - one of the few business on main street, which stretches just barely a couple blocks - 23-year-old Justin Peterson contended, 'You're never going to meet a one-time thing in a bar like this.”

He said women in small towns are 'a lot more personable” and are looking for more 'deep, intellectual conversations.”

When he takes women out on dates, he likes to take them home and cook for them or take them horseback riding.

'If you want to impress someone in a rural area, you have to figure out their interests,” Burns said. 'You really have to get to know the person and develop interaction that's meaningful because there aren't a lot of entertainment distractions ...

You really have to be creative and demonstrate to that person you know something about them.”

'It's really not that bad,” said Gage, formerly of Van Horne. 'You enjoy the little things rather than having to go do something where you won't really enjoy each other ... (or) rather than having to spend a bazillion dollars going out ...

Just the presence of each other is fun.”

But the numbers indicate many young people leave their small towns, usually for college or job opportunities that their small towns lack.

Burns said there is a 'desperate need” for people in rural Iowa, but not necessarily young people.

As someone who is a 'big pitch man” for his community, he said it really pains him to admit that rural Iowa's - particularly Carroll's - target audience in terms of trying to attract people there is not young singles. It's families - married couples with children who are ready to settle down.

'The culture here is set up for families,” he said. 'I think it's almost unfair to bring single people into this kind of environment ...

'The opportunities for people to connect here and find that appropriate partner - the numbers just aren't in a singles persons favor.”

And he doesn't think it's worth the effort to compete with big cities to try to attract young people to small towns. Instead, he hopes to attract or keep families there.

'We recognize we're never going to be a mecca,” he said. 'We're not trying to be a great place for young single people because that's just not our niche, not our calling card.”

Mohr, who still lives in Hopkinton, said when she was growing up she always wanted to get out of Hopkinton - to leave for Cedar Rapids or, better yet, California. As she's gotten older, though, she's started to change her mind.

'As you get older, you think about kids and wanting to stay close to family. I don't know that I would stay in Hopkinton, but I probably wouldn't move out of state,” she said.

'It's the safe choice to stay. You know your surroundings, you know everything. Whether that's the best choice, I don't know.”