Political ads coming to a TV near you. Or maybe not.

Warning: Satire.

Labor Day marks the traditional start of the fall election campaign.

We're going to see a lot of TV ads. I have received top-secret transcripts of some ads you may be seeing this fall. Hopefully, with this information in hand, you can proceed with construction of your sensory deprivation chamber.

CANDIDATE: Republican U.S. Senate hopeful Joni Ernst.

TITLE: Second Thoughts

Patriotic music, low in the background.

'Greetings from Alaska, I'm Sarah Palin.”

'And I'm David Koch, of the famous Koch Brothers. Maybe you've heard of us.”

Palin - 'Many months ago, I endorsed Joni Ernst to be Iowa's next U.S. senator. She seemed like the kinda pistol packin' and hog snippin' momma grizzly we need out there in Washington to impeach the phony baloney Obama and hunt down liberal socialists like some herd of sickly three-legged caribou.”

Koch - 'We, too, were eager to get behind Ernst. We saw her as the ideal candidate to carry our dark-money-soaked agenda into the ailing heart of the world's greatest deliberative body. Soon, the Senate would be ours! OURS! Wahahaha!” (Throws a chunk of meat to a snow leopard sprawled at his feet.)

Palin - 'But recently, when we sat down with Joni to strategize a bunch for the big ‘ol fall election push, we were pretty darn surprised.”

Koch - 'It turns out that all Sen. Ernst really wants to do is bring common sense Iowa values to the Senate, ideals rooted in her rural upbringing. She simply wants to be an independent leader not beholden to the special interests.”

Palin - 'Who knew? After all the help we gave her. But that's politics.”

Koch - 'Buyer beware, I guess. I blame my brother Charles, mostly. So when you think of Joni Ernst, don't bother thinking of the Koch brothers.”

Palin - 'Or that lovable mavricky Alaskan.”

Koch - 'Just remember that she's as independent as they come. Wahahaha ... cough, ... um ... Thanks.”

Paid for by Americans for Prosperity.

CANDIDATE: Democratic U.S. Sen. hopeful Bruce Braley.

TITLE - I'm You.

Braley sits before a dark backdrop, earnest music plays softly.

'I'm not a jerk.

'I'm nothing you've heard.

'I'm you.

'I don't sue chickens. I'm not even sure you can.

'I'm not an elitist. (Drops a necktie into a shredder)

'I just drank two Blue Ribbons and ate chili straight from a can.

'I am a lawyer, but the good kind.

'Not like Saul Goodman on ‘Breaking Bad.' More like Ben Matlock.

'I'm a congressman. But somebody has to be.

'I work across the aisle so often, they now call the aisle ‘the Braley.'

'Don't fact check that.

'At the House gym, I get my own towels. (Snaps a towel at the camera)

'I don't dislike farmers. I love farmers.

'I smile broadly and get a warm feeling every time I see a farm. There's one! (Smiles).

'I do not think I am farmer.

'But I know I could be one. I have lots of hats and some overalls.

'Wait. I'm not implying all farmers wear overalls.

'Moving on.

'I didn't skip a bunch of Veterans Affairs Committee meetings so I could sneak up to VA medical facilities and dump buckets of marbles on the sidewalks outside.

'No, I did not.

'Occasionally, I do wear makeup when I'm on TV. That doesn't make me John Edwards.

'Look at his hair. Look at my hair.

'No comparison.

'So I am not a jerk. I'm not an elitist. I'm not a farmer-loathing John Edwards wannabe waiting for someone to bring me a hot towel and French water.

'I'm just an Iowan who wants to be your next senator.” (Cracks another Blue Ribbon)

Paid for by Braley for Iowa.

CANDIDATE: Democratic gubernatorial nominee Jack Hatch.

TITLE: Public Access Channel 16 Crawl

Note: Due to disappointing fundraising, the Hatch campaign is buying segments on the bottom screen crawl on select public access cable channels.

I'M JACK HATCH AND I'LL BRING FRESH IDEAS TO THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE ... GABBY QUILTERS MEET WEDS. AT 7 P.M. AT THE SENIOR CENTER ... TERRY BRANSTAD'S STALE LEADERSHIP MUST BE REPLACED IN NOVEMBER ... FLU SHOTS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AT THE COUNTY HEALTH OFFICE ... JACK HATCH WILL PUT AN END TO CRONYISM AT THE CAPITOL ... SIGN UP NOW FOR FALL PROGRAMS AT THE PARKS AND REC DEPARTMENT ... JACK HATCH HAS A NEW PLAN FOR ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT ... HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS SMITH ... HATCH WOULD SET UP REGIONAL DEVELOPMENT AUTHORITIES ... THIS WEEK'S SCHOOL LUNCH MENUS ...

CANDIDATE: Republican Gov. Terry Branstad.

Title: Daisy

A person wearing a shirt that says 'IOWA” is plucking petals from a daisy.

'One, two, three, four five ...”

(Suddenly, an ominous countdown starts) '10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

(An enormous atomic explosion fills the screen.)

(From the smoking rubble, a figure emerges.)

'Hi, I'm Gov. Terry Branstad. Things were pretty bleak before I returned to the governor's office. Iowa was in ruins. A desperate, post-apocalyptic social order of high taxes, massive debt and burdensome regulations made the state less attractive to new business. Refugees carrying their belongings in grocery sacks fled the state by the thousands, looking for a better business climate.

'But things are much better now. We've created a half-gazillion new jobs, according to top secret economic formulas. And our goal is to create 1 gazillion more jobs. And I won't quit being your governor until we get it done. I swear it.” (Puts a daisy in his lapel.)

TAGLINE: Iowa can't survive without Terry Branstad.

Paid for by Branstad-Reynolds.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com.