Emerging Leaders: Dealing with difficult conversations at work

Did you notice? The headline for this article is not 'Dealing with difficult people” but 'Dealing with difficult conversations.”

Don't think there's a difference? Then you might find some surprises here.

Speaking as a panelist during a webinar regarding difficult conversations, Betty Chan-Bauza explained: 'Sometimes, the hardest conversations aren't with people we would consider ‘difficult.' They're with people who like you and respect you, who mean a lot to you.”

Chan-Bauza started out her career as an industrial engineering major. Somewhere along the path to becoming a VP of product management, she discovered that transparent communication could be a powerful productivity tool.

Chan-Bauza admitted that dealing with difficult conversations can be scary and that, for many people, the prospect of having to have one of these conversations can trigger the proverbial fight-or-flight response.

'Predominantly people will take the flight method,” she observed. 'But this skill is second only to public speaking as a critical workplace skill, especially for managers.”

Does conflict have to push people apart?

My other panelist, Erin Chapple, was a group program manager with Microsoft. According to Chapple, 'Dealing with difficult conversations is not something to be feared, but something to have in your tool belt.”

Chapple, whose bachelor's degree is in electrical engineering, developed an advanced set of coaching and communication tools through her MA in applied behavior science.

'In the workplace, relationships are key to getting things done,” she explained. 'We often think conflict and differences push people apart, but in reality these conversations can do a lot to strengthen relationships.

'I've found that having the difficult conversation can be one of the greatest ways to bond with someone because you are listening to them and understanding them.”

Chan-Bauza agreed, adding, 'Through having these conversations, you actually gain cooperation, strengthen the relationship with the individual and assist the company in achieving its goals.”

Work at it, It's a skill

Chapple noted that people underestimate their ability to acquire this skill.

'Oftentimes,” she said, 'people say, ‘I'm not good at conflict,' and they avoid it. I'd like to challenge them to say, ‘You know what, actually, we're all capable human beings. We can work at it.' It's a skill.”

Here are the lessons that Chan-Bauza and Chapple have learned and that they suggest for other leaders:

DO

' Build mutual respect by listening and learning

' Take personal accountability to defuse a situation

' Put yourself in others' shoes and respond from that position

' Ensure people feel heard before moving forward.

DON'T

' Don't leave a difficult situation unaddressed

' Don't expect instant gratification

' Don't react, take time to think/plan your response

' Don't assume they have ill intentions.

As you can see, dealing with difficult discussions doesn't have to become the boogeyman we often make it out to be. As with other leadership skills you've mastered, it can - and should - be learned.

'Don't walk away from it,” Chapple urged. 'Lean in. Use conflict as an opportunity to practice your skills.

'I guarantee that if you can get good at this, the relationships that you'll build and the impact you can have will improve.”

Or, as Betty Chan-Bauza succinctly put it, 'Practice makes perfect.”

' Jo Miller is founding editor of BeLeaderly.com and CEO of Women's Leadership Coaching Inc. Twitter handle: @jo_miller