The pick here: A 5-way tie in Big Ten West!

If you think what happens in shopping malls on the days immediately following Thanksgiving is chaos, wait till you see what's in store for Big Ten football that weekend.

Of course Ohio State will win the East Division and the conference's championship game. If anyone beats the Buckeyes before the national playoffs, it will be a major upset that sends the planet slightly off its axis.

But the West? Buckle in, because it's going to be a bumpy ride that ends with the looniest finish of our lifetimes.

There will be a five-way tie for the title. Wisconsin, Nebraska, Minnesota, Northwestern, and yes, Iowa, will finish 5-3 in the West.

So who goes to Indianapolis to be Ohio State's sacrificial lambs? That comes after I give you the records for all the Big Ten teams.

EAST

Ohio State 8-0 league, 12-0 overall

Michigan State 7-1, 11-1

Penn State 5-3, 9-3

Michigan 4-4, 7-5

Maryland 2-6, 5-7

Indiana 1-7, 5-7

Rutgers 1-7, 5-7

WEST

Iowa 5-3, 9-3

Minnesota 5-3, 8-4

Nebraska 5-3, 8-4

Wisconsin 5-3, 8-4

Northwestern 5-3, 7-5

Purdue 2-6, 5-7

Illinois 1-7, 4-8

Now let's tell you each of the Fabulous Five's losses in conference play:

Iowa

: at Wisconsin, at Northwestern, at Nebraska

Minnesota:

at Northwestern, at Ohio State, at Iowa

Nebraska:

at Illinois, at Minnesota, Michigan State

Wisconsin:

at Nebraska, at Maryland, at Minnesota

Northwestern:

at Michigan, at Nebraska, at Wisconsin

And now, the Big Ten's first tiebreaker if there is a division deadlock involving three or more teams:

There are seven steps to break the tie, the final one being a random draw. But we need only the first one to solve this problem.

1. The records of the three tied teams will be compared against each other.

That's Nebraska, at 3-1. Iowa is 1-3, the other three 2-2.

As you can see, the home field will be of paramount importance this season for reasons I'm not at liberty to discuss. Nebraska beats Wisconsin, Northwestern and Iowa at home after rebounding from its shocking defeat at Illinois in Mike Riley's first Big Ten game as the Huskers' coach.

Now then, who goes to which bowl? This is complicated, because we don't know for sure whether the Big Ten will send a team to the TaxSlayer Bowl, or to the Music City Bowl. That won't be resolved until the weekend the pairings are set. I'm guessing the Music City will take a Big Ten team this year and the TaxSlayer won't. That said ...

National playoffs:

Ohio State and Michigan State. If I'm going to take MSU to go 11-1 with just a loss at Ohio State (and a home win over Oregon), I've got to have the Spartans in the playoff. So which leagues are without playoff teams?

The ACC and Pac-12. The SEC and Big 12 champs advance.

Rose:

Penn State. The Rose is bummed that it loses out on a Top Five Michigan State, but takes a revitalized Penn State team to play the Pac-12 champ.

Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus:

Iowa. Only because Nebraska played in that bowl in 2011 and 2012, and Wisconsin was there in 2013 as well as in Tampa in 2014. Iowa hasn't been to Orlando since Drew Tate met Warren Holloway there 11 years ago.

Outback:

Nebraska. The Huskers have yet to play in that game.

Holiday:

Wisconsin. Nice get for San Diego.

Music City:

Minnesota. The Gophers will come to the Nashville bowl with more status than when they played there in 2002, 2004 and 2005.

Pinstripe:

Michigan. Jim Delany wants a glamour team in the New York City game.

Quick Lane:

Northwestern.

And that's it. There are no eligible teams left to fill the Big Ten's slots in the Heart of Dallas or Armed Forces bowls. C'est la vie.

Now please don't save this post to throw back in my face. We all know the odds of a 5-way tie in a division are longer than a flight to Australia.

Think of this as an illustration how silly preseason predictions can be.

Two Big Ten teams reaching the playoffs is a long-enough longshot. The notion Ohio State and Michigan State will both be flawless except when one falls to the other isn't something to take to the bank.

Plus, I'm pretty confident someone among Maryland, Rutgers, Indiana and Purdue will actually finish better than 5-7 and reach a third-tier bowl.

But if I'm right the five-team tie in the West, don't be surprised if I happen to mention it in late November/early December. Repeatedly. From then until eternity.