We’ve been Trumped, but don’t worry, Iowans

So I'm not losing any sleep over Donald Trump.

Being conscious, most of the time, I can't help but notice others are more worked up over the billionaire Republican presidential hopeful. Maybe you've seen pictures of him, the guy with the remarkable hair and perpetually open mouth.

This past week, The Des Moines Register's editorial board called for Trump to drop out of the race. It came on the heels of Trump's appearance at a GOP evangelical cattle call in Ames where he insisted that U.S. Sen. John McCain isn't a war hero. And if he is, it's only because he was captured by the North Vietnamese.

'I like people who weren't captured,” Trump told the crowd, spawning the sort of swift social media wildfire usually reserved for a naked Kardashian.

That came on the heels of Trump declaring that undocumented immigrants from Mexico are basically a bunch of drug dealers, criminals and 'rapists.” 'They're not sending their best,” Trump said, becoming the latest in a long line of American politicians to turn people who risk everything for a better life into scary scapegoats for our national ills.

Trump flew in his private jet to Laredo, Texas, to see the border first hand, 'despite great danger.” Talk about a hero.

And that came on the heels of, well, let's just say we're talking about enough heels to fill a Shoe Carnival.

But I was surprised at the Register's conclusion. After all, they and me and so many other Iowa scribes have been writing for years about Iowans and the solemn seriousness they bring to the starting line of our presidential picking process.

Caucusgoers, we've all insisted, do their damndest to kick the tires, look candidates in the eye, take their measure, winnow the field, etc., etc. It's this seasoned seriousness that's the underpinning to our claim of first-in-the-nation status. We're the clear-eyed farm woman in Grant Wood's 'Appraisal,” casting our experienced, knowing glare on some squinty overstuffed city slicker.

Yes, we're also holding a chicken, but that's OK.

So if we truly believe all that stuff, it's tough to also believe that Iowans might actually provide precious political life support to a waffling windbag. Surely Republicans won't use their hard-fought spot at the front of the line to push someone so clearly thoughtless, impulsive and vindictive a sizable step closer to the White House, with all its duties, powers and buttons that launch stuff.

Surely not.

If they do, God forbid, we should probably shut the whole thing down like Trump's Atlantic City casino and cut our considerable loses. It was a great run. We might as well give Florida a turn. How much worse could it get?

I'm holding out hope and keeping the faith. And besides, why drop out now when so many are having so much fun?

Trump is the perfect summer crush for folks convinced a president could simply yell 'hard truth” at people and stuff would magically get done. He's the pompous personification of your third cousin's Facebook feed, tossing out dubious, frightening claims about American decline from websites you've never heard of that also urge you to sell gold and buy doomsday food supplies. Clearly, Trump is just one zinging irrefutable argument or mic-dropping insult away from forcing full liberal and RINO surrender.

Country, you've been taken back.

But Trump also is making Democrats giddy as he alienates large, important voter blocs, beats up his fellow GOP hopefuls and dents up the Republican 'brand.” Of course, it's also entirely possible that the Grand Old Party of U.S. Rep Steve 'cantaloupe calves” King, 'You Lie!” screamers and Swift Boat Veterans for Truth paved the way for its own richly deserved Trumping.

Some top Republicans clearly are worried about all this, and, to their credit, Trump's rivals have fired back, especially on the notion of POWs not being heroes. But there's a bright side for Republicans. While Trump sucks up all the attention, other GOP hopefuls are free to travel around Iowa and say all sorts of odd stuff without fear of drawing much scrutiny. Abolish the Supreme Court? Scrap the minimum wage? Erase environmental protections? Who cares, Trump's wearing a hat!

But seriously, folks, I don't think Trump has a real shot.

I know, polls! But summer polls in odd-numbered years don't always point in the right direction. President Giuliani, care to comment? Trump's got money, fame and media types salivating over where his next grenade will land, but there's little sign he has an actual campaign organization that can deliver votes. Without that, he's a curiosity but not a candidate, especially in a caucus state such as Iowa. Republicans are starting to notice that Trump's history seems to indicate no discernible political principles. He's like Al Capone's vaults, all hype with nothing inside.

So don't worry. Don't lose sleep. And besides, a year from now, when our two proud parties are neck deep in a pitched thermonuclear war over what's going to take down America first, billionaire oligarchs or radical jihadists, and our TVs are spouting endless sludge paid for by billions in unregulated super PAC bucks, we'll look back wistfully on these heady days.

'Remember that Trump and his droll shenanigans?” we'll remark from inside our bunker on some sleepless night.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com