Sports

Not being able to buy a basket is a good thing

Here are many things you need to know ... or not

Scott Baio (Reuters)
Scott Baio (Reuters)

This is my March Madness:

Whenever a pep band breaks into “We will, we will rock you,” I take it as a personal threat.

You are not allowed to report on Iowa Hawkeyes baseball again if you use the term “Hellerball.” You are not allowed to report on Iowa women’s basketball again if you use the term “Bluder’s Bunch.” You must, however, refer to “Charles in Charge” anytime you’re reporting on Scott Baio.

The realization I will never be whistled for goaltending gives me mixed feelings. A life lived below the rim is an unfulfilled existence, yet I don’t want to hurt the team.

If someone tells you “long story short,” it’s already too late. Insist they back up two minutes and start over.

It would be interesting if Iowa legalized recreational marijuana usage. It would be interesting if Iowa legalized sports betting. But if the state allows marijuana to be sold at sports-betting parlors, that would really create a buzz.

Sure, Colorado and Utah being members of the Pacific-12 Conference and Pittsburgh and Louisville as Atlantic Coast Conference schools is weird now, but give it time. The planet is changing.

The only thing stopping me from doing a weekly online Q&A with readers is not having any answers.

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When a coach says teams don’t win on style points, that person obviously has never led a team to glory in the Salon & Spa Conference.

Is it hypocritical to be watching a rerun of “Friends” while you’re alone?

College basketball would be a lot more interesting if NCAA Tournament bracketologists stopped using a bubble and instead put teams on a bed of hot coals.

How has there never been an ESPN “30 for 30” about the painting of dogs playing poker?

Disgruntled players are a problem. “Are you gruntled?” is the first thing college coaches should ask recruits.

Why are there so many sports bars, but so few weather bars? Sometimes, you just want to stop somewhere on the way home for a daiquiri and Doppler.

Whenever athletes say they’re going to “shock the world,” don’t be alarmed. They don’t have that kind of advanced technology. Yet.

I didn’t see a single movie nominated for an Academy Award this year. But I have binge-watched the snow pile at the end of my driveway.

If you have 20/20 vision in the year 2020, you’ll still have inner flaws that no meaningless set of numbers can mask.

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There is no anagram for “Iowa.” But “Minnesota” has many, including “Most Inane.”

Every time an basketball announcer says a player or team “just can’t buy a basket,” it’s to reassure you about the integrity of the game.

A fitness center that’s open 24 hours a day is something I just can’t seem to fit into my schedule.

Conspiracy theories are always stupid, and I take offense at the thousands of you who have already begun to plot against me for writing that.

I look out at my backyard and see paw prints in the snow that don’t match up with those of any animal native to North America. It’s terrifying, but it’s also a lot more interesting than the stuff I see posted on Instagram.

On a recent flight, I dozed off over Illinois and woke up over India. It was the most surreal experience of my … what? Oh. It was Indiana, not India. Never mind.

l Comments: (319) 368-8840; mike.hlas@thegazette.com

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