Staff Columnist

New carols to sing around the 2020 dumpster fire

Presidential Hopeful Donald Trump speaks to a crowd of over 1,000 at the Veterans Memorial building in Cedar Rapids on S
Presidential Hopeful Donald Trump speaks to a crowd of over 1,000 at the Veterans Memorial building in Cedar Rapids on Saturday, Dec. 19, 2015. Trump held the rally in Cedar Rapids just a few days after a recent GOP Republican debate and used the chance to talk about the debate as well as his hopes and ideas for the United States. (Andy Abeyta/The Gazette)

It’s about that time in December when the traditional holiday classics are getting a little old. Here are some new ones.

Rudolph the Red-State Reindeer

You know COVID and Spreader and Pfizer and Stricken

Corona and Atlas and Donald and Sickened.

But do you recall

The most famous reindeer of all?

Rudolph the red state reindeer

Wore a mask over his nose.

And if you cannot see it

The virus spread it does slow.

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names.

They struck a blow for “freedom”

Claiming that they would look lame.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa checked his team.

Those reindeer didn’t look so bright

After catching COVID-19 tonight.

Then Santa turned to Rudolph

“Are you up to the task?’

Rudolph replied to Santa,

‘Sure, if you wear your damn mask.”

The Cancel of the Bells

Hark now the cancel

So much is canceled

All seems to say

Throw calendars away

Christmas is here

Oh what a year!

To young and old,

Don’t leave your home!

Delete delete

Cancel, repeat

With a sad ring

Don’t go COVID-ing

One seems to hear

A virus of fear.

I hate ask

Where is your mask?

How do I shop

Fearful of drops?

Web pages flipping

Good luck with shipping.

Daily they bring

More canceling.

It’s getting risky

But we have whiskey.

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.

On, on it spreads

On without end.

It is obscene

Ask Santa for vaccine.

Up On My Laptop

Up on my laptop a workday pause.

Up pops good old Santa Claus.

He’s joining Zoom in a big red suit.

But Santa Claus is still on mute.

Ho, ho, ho! A background of snow.

Ho, ho, ho! Santa’s video froze.

Up on my laptop, click, click, click.

I hope there’s a point and he gets there quick.

First comes the PowerPoint from Little Nell.

Forty-five minutes? What the hell?

All about a dolly that laughs and cries

I need a Red Bull to open my eyes.

Ho, ho, ho! Maybe I could go.

Ho, ho, ho! No one will know!

Up on my laptop, click, click, click.

Skipping the meeting with good Saint Nick.

Just got an email from Little Bill.

Oh he’s just such a corporate shill.

Noticed I dropped out, says I’m haughty

Threatens to put me on a list that’s naughty.

Ho, ho, ho! Will they let me go?

Ho, ho, ho! Will they let me go?

These Zoom meetings are for our health.

Unless you’re demoted to Elf on a Shelf.

We Wish You Would Keep Your Distance

We wish you would keep your distance.

We wish you would keep your distance.

We wish you would keep your distance till sometime next year.

Good tidings we bring to your kin.

But please just keep your distance. Don’t bring your germs in.

We’ll send you some figgy pudding.

We’ll send you some figgy pudding.

We’ll send you some figgy pudding.

From Amazon prime.

You won’t go until you get some?

You won’t go until you get some?

You won’t go until you get some?

I’m locking the door.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin

We wish you would keep your distance till the vaccine is here.

Baby There’s Voter Fraud

You really can’t stay (But baby there’s voter fraud!)

You’ve got to go away (Baby there’s voter fraud!)

This four years has been (Makin’ us great again.)

So very vile (I beat Joe Biden by a mile.)

We’re all really starting to worry (Behold my Twitter fury!)

Some of us are pacing the floor (Listen to the MAGA mobs roar!)

We’re hoping you might concede (But baby I’m in the lead.)

Well, maybe in 38 days. (Democracy will soon be ablaze.)

What will the allies think? (Baby there’s lawsuits out there!)

Get out of our face (Rudy’s at the landscaping place.)

I wish I knew how (Crazy blond’s yelling now.)

To break the spell. (Throwing out some votes would be so swell!)

Voters said no, no, no (I won, and it wasn’t close!)

The results you must abide (Most of Joe’s voters had died.)

This way to the door (See you in 2024!)

Get out of the White House now.

Slay Ride

Just watch that virus unfolding, health rules scolding, too.

Come on, it’s lovely weather for a superspreader with you!

Inside our friends are crowding, no masks to cover achoo!

Come on it’s now or never for a superspreader with you.

Crowd ‘em in, crowd ‘em in, crowd ‘em in, it’s no sin

Just drinks and din-din.

A big buffet with a prime rib roast sliced thin.

Cuddle close, cuddle close, cuddle close

It’s grand, I dig you the most.

No cares about COVID now, herd immunity we will toast!

Our cheeks are nice and rosy and feverish feeling are we.

We snuggled up together and now it’s hard to breathe.

Let’s take that road before us straight into the ICU.

Oh man, I’m now regretting the superspreading with you.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@the gazette.com

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