It’s about that time in December when the traditional holiday classics are getting a little old. Here are some new ones.
Rudolph the Red-State Reindeer
You know COVID and Spreader and Pfizer and Stricken
Corona and Atlas and Donald and Sickened.
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
Rudolph the red state reindeer
Wore a mask over his nose.
And if you cannot see it
The virus spread it does slow.
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.
They struck a blow for “freedom”
Claiming that they would look lame.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa checked his team.
Those reindeer didn’t look so bright
After catching COVID-19 tonight.
Then Santa turned to Rudolph
“Are you up to the task?’
Rudolph replied to Santa,
‘Sure, if you wear your damn mask.”
The Cancel of the Bells
Hark now the cancel
So much is canceled
All seems to say
Throw calendars away
Christmas is here
Oh what a year!
To young and old,
Don’t leave your home!
Delete delete
Cancel, repeat
With a sad ring
Don’t go COVID-ing
One seems to hear
A virus of fear.
I hate ask
Where is your mask?
How do I shop
Fearful of drops?
Web pages flipping
Good luck with shipping.
Daily they bring
More canceling.
It’s getting risky
But we have whiskey.
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.
On, on it spreads
On without end.
It is obscene
Ask Santa for vaccine.
Up On My Laptop
Up on my laptop a workday pause.
Up pops good old Santa Claus.
He’s joining Zoom in a big red suit.
But Santa Claus is still on mute.
Ho, ho, ho! A background of snow.
Ho, ho, ho! Santa’s video froze.
Up on my laptop, click, click, click.
I hope there’s a point and he gets there quick.
First comes the PowerPoint from Little Nell.
Forty-five minutes? What the hell?
All about a dolly that laughs and cries
I need a Red Bull to open my eyes.
Ho, ho, ho! Maybe I could go.
Ho, ho, ho! No one will know!
Up on my laptop, click, click, click.
Skipping the meeting with good Saint Nick.
Just got an email from Little Bill.
Oh he’s just such a corporate shill.
Noticed I dropped out, says I’m haughty
Threatens to put me on a list that’s naughty.
Ho, ho, ho! Will they let me go?
Ho, ho, ho! Will they let me go?
These Zoom meetings are for our health.
Unless you’re demoted to Elf on a Shelf.
We Wish You Would Keep Your Distance
We wish you would keep your distance.
We wish you would keep your distance.
We wish you would keep your distance till sometime next year.
Good tidings we bring to your kin.
But please just keep your distance. Don’t bring your germs in.
We’ll send you some figgy pudding.
We’ll send you some figgy pudding.
We’ll send you some figgy pudding.
From Amazon prime.
You won’t go until you get some?
You won’t go until you get some?
You won’t go until you get some?
I’m locking the door.
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin
We wish you would keep your distance till the vaccine is here.
Baby There’s Voter Fraud
You really can’t stay (But baby there’s voter fraud!)
You’ve got to go away (Baby there’s voter fraud!)
This four years has been (Makin’ us great again.)
So very vile (I beat Joe Biden by a mile.)
We’re all really starting to worry (Behold my Twitter fury!)
Some of us are pacing the floor (Listen to the MAGA mobs roar!)
We’re hoping you might concede (But baby I’m in the lead.)
Well, maybe in 38 days. (Democracy will soon be ablaze.)
What will the allies think? (Baby there’s lawsuits out there!)
Get out of our face (Rudy’s at the landscaping place.)
I wish I knew how (Crazy blond’s yelling now.)
To break the spell. (Throwing out some votes would be so swell!)
Voters said no, no, no (I won, and it wasn’t close!)
The results you must abide (Most of Joe’s voters had died.)
This way to the door (See you in 2024!)
Get out of the White House now.
Slay Ride
Just watch that virus unfolding, health rules scolding, too.
Come on, it’s lovely weather for a superspreader with you!
Inside our friends are crowding, no masks to cover achoo!
Come on it’s now or never for a superspreader with you.
Crowd ‘em in, crowd ‘em in, crowd ‘em in, it’s no sin
Just drinks and din-din.
A big buffet with a prime rib roast sliced thin.
Cuddle close, cuddle close, cuddle close
It’s grand, I dig you the most.
No cares about COVID now, herd immunity we will toast!
Our cheeks are nice and rosy and feverish feeling are we.
We snuggled up together and now it’s hard to breathe.
Let’s take that road before us straight into the ICU.
Oh man, I’m now regretting the superspreading with you.
(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@the gazette.com