Staff Columnist

Is impeachment driving you to drink? Try these concoctions

“Port Wine Sangria” (from Paper or Plastik), 2 parts Port wine, 2 parts Ginger Beer, 1 part orange juice. (Ricardo DeAratanha/Los Angeles Times/TNS)

That U.S. House impeachment inquiry commences with real live public testimony this week. And the whole sordid, televised saga may drive some of you to drink.

So here are some drink suggestions I’ll be whipping up.

Flaming Pants Punch

One bottle of Don Trump’s Telfonico Perfecto Rum, imported.

A bottle of Rudy Port, unhinged for three years in joke barrels, exported.

A Zelensky of phongac, leaked.

A Twitter of large, raging oranges, squeezed.

An earful of Quid-Pro-Cointreau, overheard, duly noted.

Cloves, cinnamon and other spices.

Abuse of power, corruption and other vices.

Emoluments, enablers and smoking guns, for garnish.

Mix ingredients in a large, empty, little-used vessel, such as the U.S. Senate. Allow ingredients to thoroughly collude. Add smoldering presidential pants. Serves a crowd of partygoers, human scum, etc. Drink before last call, or first call, or really any phone call.

Kiev Mule

A bumbling stumble of Giuliani’s ginger smear.

A puzzling pour of Absolute Buffoon or Cooked Goose vodka.

A scam of fresh lies, fully stooged.

Meddle the juicy lies in a Ukrainian copper mug filled with ham-handedly crushed ice. Recklessly add buffoon and smear. Spin vigorously, in the shadows. Serves a grand jury.

Slick Julep

A Graham of Slippery Lindsey’s Carolina Flippin,’ Fibbin’ and Sippin’ Whiskey.

A shameless pander of southern suck-up syrup.

A Mitch of Kentucky disappoint mint, recently reaped.

Shaved ice.

Muddle disappoint mint with suck-up syrup in a bejeweled silver chalice, the kind awarded to very, very good, loyal boys at Mar-a-Lago. Add ice and whiskey. Garnish with more mint — disappoint, resent, disillusion or whatever mint you have on hand. Sip until your brain numbs. Repeat.

Quid Prohito

Juice squeezed from three high crimes.

A dubious pour of Sleepy Joe’s Rum, light, dark or slandered.

Several clear-cut sprigs of impeach mint, preferably grown right out in the damn open.

A blatant of simple favor syrup.

A Nixon of join-the-club soda.

A splash of green Military-Aid, sweetened and reserved, for leverage.

Line the bottom of a lowball glass with impeach-mint to soak up high crimes and simple favors. Add crushed ice and combine. Hold the Military-Aid, indefinitely. Hide the recipe and never speak of it. Never.

Wet Your Whistleblower

A straight shot of high-stakes, high-proof risky.

An anonymity of absinthe, prolonged.

A sugar cube, or a large jaw-drop of malfeasance.

Several tweets of Trump “Treason!” Bitters, wildly blathered.

Several blurts of Rand Paul’s Antagonistic Bitters, irresponsibly hinted.

A surprise twist of lemon, but hold the limelight.

Coat a rocks glass with thin layer of anonymity. Add the sugar, risky, bitters and twist, in the wind, until it all blows over or all hell breaks loose. Enjoy at a remote location, for now. Courage.

A Dark and Storming a Secure Room

A can of ginger flail, lukewarm and flat.

An eruption of Raging Rum, scripted and contrived.

A lame wedge.

Cameras, lights, microphones, for garnish.

Mix flail and rage with lame. Serve with pizza, on cable news. Disburse quickly.


A generous pour of Oodles of Evidence gin.

One pointing finger of Pelosi vermouth, stone cold.

A stuffed olive, or a stuffed subpoena, for garnish.


Combine gin and vermouth in a cocktail shaker. Serve in a Vesper glass or inside the president’s head. Perfect for public hearings. Remember, one Schifftini, two at the most. Three, you’re at the witness table. Four, you’re under an oath.


A Pence of cognac, Armagnac or gotchyourbac, ill-advised.

A pour of orange boot liqueur, humbled.

Lemon juice, with seeds, truth and integrity removed.

No fancy coastal elitist garnishes.

Shake righteously to combine. Pour into a cocktail glass and then into the sink. Drink a glass of warm milk prepared by mother. Practice the presidential oath of office a few times, quietly.


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