Staff Columnist

I am a Russian, Juul, NRA asset

FILE PHOTO: Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton appears on stage at the Women In The World Summit in New York, U.S, April 12, 2019. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid/File Photo
FILE PHOTO: Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton appears on stage at the Women In The World Summit in New York, U.S, April 12, 2019. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid/File Photo

Participate in politics long enough, and you inevitably will be the subject of a conspiracy theory.

Failed 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said last week that Russians are grooming a current Democratic candidate to run as a third-party spoiler in next year’s general election. It apparently was a reference to U.S. Rep. Tulsi Gabbard, who advocates for a non-interventionist foreign policy that war hawks think will embolden the Russian government.

“She’s a favorite of the Russians. They have a bunch of sites and bots and other ways to supporter her so far,” Clinton said on the Campaign HQ podcast.

I sympathize with Gabbard, because I am also a Russian asset.

After the 2016 presidential election, Americans we heard constant allegations that social media posts created by the Russian government had stolen the election in Donald Trump’s favor. I wrote columns pointing out how absurd it is to suppose a relatively small number of Facebook ads could swing a national election.

Angry readers figured out I was getting Kremlin kickbacks. I’m still waiting for the check.

My list of handlers and overseers is much longer than that, though. Here are a few allegiances real readers have accused me of holding.

This year, I’ve published several columns defending e-cigarettes and vaporizers, as policymakers in Iowa and elsewhere try to restrict them. It’s not because e-cigarettes are safer alternatives to cigarettes, with the potential to save millions of lives. It’s because, as faithful readers have repeatedly pointed out, I’m a vape industry asset.

Speaking of harm reduction, I’m also a vocal advocate for legalizing unused needle programs for intravenous drug users. Obviously, I am an asset of the heroin cartel.

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I’m a double-agent in the opioid industry, in fact. When I warned that government restrictions on prescription painkillers would necessarily harm patients who need them, I was once again busted for being a Big Pharma asset.

I occasionally write about the need to end America’s foreign wars, like the 18-year-old mess in Afghanistan. Taliban asset, of course.

Trump’s trade wars have been a consistent target of my criticism. That’s only because I’m a Chinese asset.

No one would publish advice on how to elude immigration enforcement agents, as I have done, unless they are an asset of the Mexican, El Salvadoran and Guatemalan people.

Against gun control? NRA asset.

Against taxes? Billionaire asset.

Against occupational licensing? Shoddy electrician asset.

Against rental housing regulations? Landlord asset.

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If you want to know where my true partisan allegiance lies, just ask any member of the Republican or Democratic parties.

The Republicans know I’m a fake conservative — I’ve only been an active registered Republican my whole adult life as charade. The Democrats, however, can clearly see I’m a radical conservative, taking their side on a few issues as a cynical ploy.

With all these backdoor payments I’m getting from the boogeymen of American politics, it’s a wonder I even keep this newspaper job.

Comments: (319) 339-3156; adam.sullivan@thegazette.com

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