Staff Columnist

Election Day is looming, like it or not. Have a drink

Spirits at Cedar Ridge in Swisher on Wednesday, May 3, 2017.  (Liz Martin/The Gazette)
Spirits at Cedar Ridge in Swisher on Wednesday, May 3, 2017. (Liz Martin/The Gazette)

We’re in the anxious homestretch toward Election Day, which ends the long 2020 campaign. It also marks the beginning of election litigation, recounts and other unforeseen devious plot twists.

And there’s still a pandemic in full swing, although the Trump administration and Gov. Kim Reynolds are no longer trying to contain it.

Maybe you could use a belt, or three. Luckily, a lot of newspaper columnists are preparing to become bartenders. Here are some cocktails you can turn to in the final days.

Viral Surrenderac

A double Donald of COVID-19 Rye Risky, very deadly but downplayed.

A Trump of Absinthe virus strategy.

A sugar cube, soaked in hydroxychloroquine or any unproven quackery on hand.

A dash of Fauci’s bitter, ignored and contradicted.

Rinse a glass with the Absinthe until fully infected. Add crushed lives. Stir COVID risky, unproven quackery and bitter Fauci over ice as cold and lonely as the winter ahead. Strain the drink through a face mask and then dramatically discard mask on a balcony. Serve in a petri dish with a cruel twist of fate, or on a nose swab.

Screwover

A clear majority of Popular Vote Vodka.

An over representation of Old Founders Electoral College Elixir.

A vast over-pour of Ruby Red State Juice or Orange You Glad Not All the Votes Count.

A dash of disenfranchisement, gerrymandered or suppressed.

Combine juice, elixir and bitters in an antique colonial urn. Mix with the ashes of democracy. Force everyone to swallow it. Pour popular vote down the drain.

Poll Watching Punch

An unnerving swig of Swing State gin, trending.

A misleading gulp of National Polls Kool-Aide, sweetened

An unnerving pour of Polling Average Neverclear, checked and checked again.

Mix ingredients in a large bucket. Place next to your computer or other device. Using a long straw, continue drinking through Election Day. Refresh often.

Swing State Sling

A Super PAC of Bombast Gin, televised incessantly.

A super spread of post-rally quarantine.

A squeeze of fresh lies, fact-checked.

A desperation of low-road liquor, cherry or racist.

A tiresome canard of Socialism Soda, flat, stale.

Social media syrup, concocted, shared and duped.

A culture war wedge and a Machiavellian cherry for garnish.

Add gin, quarantine, liquor and syrup into a shaker filled with ice cold outside cash. Strain to hide your outrage, contempt and exhaustion. Add garnish. Drink until you no longer feel like screaming.

Long Election Night Iced Tea

A media of Exit Polls Vodka, misleading.

A smattering of Early Returns Rum, misread.

A cacophony of Talking Heads Tequila, mercifully muted.

More tweets of Angry Orange Guy Liquor, hopefully deposed.

Any other booze you’ve got.

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Mix enough tea to last several weeks or months, or until final results are fully litigated. Pour into a shatterproof cup good for throwing at the TV.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com

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