Stuck at home this holiday weekend? Socially distancing? Comforting your fireworks-rattled dog? Looking for something to pass the time?
Same here. I was cruising around online and found a practice civics test for U.S. citizenship applicants. But it seemed too simple, calm and orderly. It didn’t capture the energy of our current national chaos, so I updated it.
Take it. Leave it. Fold it up and use it as a fly swatter. Your choice.
1. We elect a president for how many years?
A. Too many years.
B. Actually, the Electoral College elects the president because voters are the worst.
C. Four years that seem like 20.
D. Four years.
E. Four years or 25,000 lies, whichever comes first.
2. How many justices serve on the U.S. Supreme Court?
A. Eight, while Mitch McConnell holds a seat open.
B. Eight, plus the frat guy on double secret probation.
C. Still not enough to overturn Roe v. Wade or deny LGBTQ civil rights.
3. What is the name of the national anthem?
A. “Free Falling.”
B. “Yakety Sax.”
C. “Dazed and Confused.”
D. “The Star Spangled Banner.”
4. Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
A. It’s an excerpt from “The Art of the Deal.”
B. u/TommyJeff76 posted it on Reddit.
D. Thomas Jefferson.
5. What are the two parts of the U.S. Congress?
A. Resistance and Enablers.
B. Masked and unmasked.
C. Panderers and Liars.
D. House and Senate.
6. What is the party of the president right now?
C. The Empire.
7. Who is the Speaker of the House?
A. “Nasty Nancy.”
B. ”Nervous Nancy.”
C. “Nancy the Ripper.”
D. Nancy Pelosi.
8. The House has how many voting members?
A. Four members of “The Squad.”
B. 435, except for Steve King.
C. One for every 25 lobbyists.
9. Why do some states have more representatives than others?
A. Some states planned ahead and bought congressmen in bulk.
B. Some members disappeared inside heavily gerrymandered districts.
C. Many representatives exited through a revolving door to the pharmaceutical industry.
D. Representation is determined by population.
10. Under the Constitution, some powers belong to the states. Name one power.
A. Mishandling pandemics.
B. Handing out massive tax breaks for business.
C. Perpetuating racism.
D. Creating schools and a system of education.
11. Who did the United States fight in World War II?
A. Some very fine people.
B. Germany, Italy and Japan.
12. What is the “rule of law?”
A. The president is above the law.
B. The president’s friends are above the law.
C. The president can use laws to punish enemies.
D. The law applies to everyone.
13. What are two rights extolled in the Declaration of Independence?
A. The right to buy one, and the right to get one free.
B. Believe nonsense and ignore facts.
C. Wear no masks and carry large guns
D. Life and the pursuit of happiness.
14. What movement tried to end racial discrimination?
A. The Trump Organization.
B. The Department of Justice, Tear Gas and Rubber Bullets.
C. The Republican Southern Strategy.
D. The civil rights movement.
15. What is the capital of the United States?
A. Mar-a-Lago, Fla.
B. The president’s golf cart.
C. A shining city on COVID-19 peak.
D. Washington, D.C.
16. Name one of the United States’ two longest rivers.
A. The Nitrate.
B. The Phosphorus.
C. The Dead Zone Flume.
D. The Mississippi.
17. Name the war between the North and South.
A. The war to preserve southern heritage and loser flags.
B. The war that people continue to argue wasn’t about slavery when it totally was.
C. The war that made America safe for statues of traitors and racists.
D. The Civil War.
18. What does the Constitution do?
A. It clearly says face masks are tyranny.
B. It gives people the right to own tons of guns and that’s pretty much it.
C. It guarantees freedom of the press and you’re so regretting it about now.
D. It protects individual rights and sets up the structure of government.
19. What is one promise you make before you become a citizen?
A. I’m going to vote the hell out of this next election.
B. I need to socially distance from idiots.
C. I will drive in the right lane unless I’m passing.
D. I’ll renounce loyalty to foreign governments.
E. I’ll subscribe to my local paper. (Shameless plug.)
Reach Todd Dorman at (319) 398-8262) firstname.lastname@example.org