Staff Columnist

Christmas carols for the horrible timeline we're living in

Then-presidential hopeful Donald Trump speaks at the Veterans Memorial building in Cedar Rapids on Saturday, Dec. 19, 20
Then-presidential hopeful Donald Trump speaks at the Veterans Memorial building in Cedar Rapids on Saturday, Dec. 19, 2015. (Andy Abeyta/The Gazette)

Here are some Christmas songs I’ve rewritten to capture the modern spirt. Enjoy, or not.

“Get Lost You Tweeting Gentlemen”

Get lost you tweeting gentlemen

We glimpse inside your brain.

A jumble of conspiracies

You try hard to mansplain.

Your lack of basic knowledge

Is driving us insane.

You’re canceled, so please just go away.

Far, far away.

You’re canceled so please call it a day.

Get lost you tweeting gentlemen

You’re so antagonistic.

Your posts on social media

Hate-filled, misogynistic.

Your horrid takes on politics

Will make us go ballistic.

You’re canceled so please just go away.

Far, far away.

You’re canceled so don’t ruin Christmas Day.

“Check my phone” (Jingle Bells)

Walking through the world

Staring at my phone.

O’er the sidewalks slow

In a bubble all alone.

Posts on Instagram.

Check my Snapchat streaks.

What fun it is to stare at screens

But be careful of ravines.

Check my phone, check my phone

Got to check my phone.

Check my phone, check my phone

Got to check my phone.

Where’s my phone, where’s my phone

Got to find my phone.

Oh, there’s my phone, thank God my phone

Got to check my phone.

“I Heard the Spin on Christmas Day”

I heard the spin on Christmas Day

The old familiar pundits say.

And tired and weak, the saps repeat

Not Electable! Bad takes from men.

And in despair, I bowed my head

She’s just not likable, they said.

The Rust Belt states, will seal her fate.

She just can’t win! No votes from men.

Then came rebukes more wise and deep

Don’t listen to these vapid creeps.

On TV they sit, they don’t know (beep)

We must ignore bad takes from men.

“We Wish you a Merry Christmas”

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Good tidings we bring, to you in Ukraine.

But we need a small favor, or we withhold your aid.

Oh, bring us the dirt on Biden.

Oh, bring us the dirt on Biden.

Oh bring us some dirt on Biden.

And we’ll send your aid!

Good tidings we bring, to all of Ukraine.

Just do us this favor and our friendship won’t wane.

We won’t go until we get dirt.

We won’t go until we get dirt.

We won’t go until we get dirt.

Or Vlad brings the pain.

“Do you hear what I hear?”

Said whistleblower in a complaint

Do you know what I know?

Way up at the White House, ‘blower said.

Do you know what I know?

A plot, a scheme

To withhold Ukraine aid.

On a call that our president made.

A “perfect” call that our president made.

The complaint went to the AG Barr.

Do you know what I see?

AG Barr growled in the night.

Do you know what I see?

A smear, a smear

Against our leader dear.

I reject these claims and will fight!

For dear leader this smear we will fight!

Said civil servants to the House of Reps.

Do you know what we heard?

From our leader dear’s shady mob.

Do you know what we heard?

A quid, a pro

Most certainly a quo.

As we all lived up to our oath.

Unlike all of those partisan oafs.

Said the House Dems to the leader dear

Do you know what we’ll do?

In your golf resort, leader dear?

Do you know what we’ll do?

Impeach, impeach!

Abuses they must cease.

Shifty Schiff has got all the goods

Shifty Schiff has got all the goods.

Said leader dear to the people everywhere.

Listen to what I tweet.

Hillary deserves all the blame!

Listen to what I tweet.

A sham, a scam

Pure insanity!

Failing press can’t hang this on me.

All my base, they’re watching Hannity.

Melty the Snowman

Melty the snowman

Had to take a hurried hike.

Climate change left him so outraged

He joined Greta Thunberg’s strike.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com

Give us feedback

We value your trust and work hard to provide fair, accurate coverage. If you have found an error or omission in our reporting, tell us here.

Or if you have a story idea we should look into? Tell us here.

Give us feedback

We value your trust and work hard to provide fair, accurate coverage. If you have found an error or omission in our reporting, tell us here.

Or if you have a story idea we should look into? Tell us here.