Staff Columnist

And now the weather, with stable genius

FILE PHOTO: U.S. President Donald Trump holds a chart showing the original projected track of Hurricane Dorian that appears to have been extended with a black line to include parts of the Florida panhandle and of the state of Alabama during a status report meeting on the hurricane in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, U.S., September 4, 2019. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst
FILE PHOTO: U.S. President Donald Trump holds a chart showing the original projected track of Hurricane Dorian that appears to have been extended with a black line to include parts of the Florida panhandle and of the state of Alabama during a status report meeting on the hurricane in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, U.S., September 4, 2019. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst

Warning: Fake weather.

Here’s your National Weather Service forecast for Cedar Rapids and the surrounding area at 3:30 a.m. CDT

Today — Partly sunny and warm with a 40 percent chance of showers and thunderstorms. High near 84. Southwest winds 15-25 mph.

Tonight — A 30 percent chance of showers and thunderstorms, then clearing, with a low around 65.

Tomorrow — Warm and humid with a 50 percent chance of thunderstorms after 4 p.m. Some storms may be severe and produce heavy rainfall. High near 85.

Tomorrow night — Thunderstorms early, then clearing and much cooler, with a low around 48. West winds shifting to the northwest after midnight. Rain chances 30 percent.

UPDATE: Here’s your National Weather Service Forecast, revised by executive order, for today.

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Today — Bright, breezy and sunny in Jones and Cedar County, where President Donald Trump won very, very bigly in 2016 over crooked Hillary. So crooked. So bigly. Dark, cloudy and very gloomy in failing Johnson and Linn counties, which refused to Make America Great Again. It’s OK. It’s OK, we wish them well. We really do. High near 85, except in Johnson and Linn, where temperatures will plunge into the 30s, with ice rain, probably. Who knows? It could happen.

UPDATE: Here’s your National Weather Service Forecast, revised again, for tonight.

Tonight — A 30 percent chance of showers and thunderstorms. Then skies will part, majestically, just like when President Donald Trump delivered his dramatic inaugural address before the largest crowd in world history. Low around 60, or roughly 5 degrees lower than the president’s current outstanding approval rating. Don’t believe the fake news!

UPDATE: Here’s your National Weather Service Forecast, revised yet again, for tomorrow.

Tomorrow — Warm and humid, with perfect conditions for growing soybeans to sell to Japan and Europe, but not China. Never China. We’ll bring China to its knees. Chance of winning the trade war, 100 percent. Chance of more pain for farmers, 100 percent, with more bailouts likely. Thunderstorms also likely. Some storms could be severe and produce heavy rainfall, which should remind everyone of the big, beautiful Cedar Rapids flood wall President Donald Trump funded with the great help of former congressman Matt Blum.

Tomorrow night — Cooler. Perfect sleeping weather for Sleepy Joe! Sweet dreams, loser!

UPDATE: National Weather Service — Extra Special Weather Statement — 10 p.m. CDT.

By order of the White House.

WEATHER CARNAGE WATCH WARNING!! — Tornadoes, flooding, cantaloupe-sized hail, hair-wrecking winds, sleet, snow, blizzards of socialism, windmill cancer, sideways razor rain and other horrible, totally unprecedented conditions will hit harder than anticipated. The warned area includes a very large oval drawn on the map with a Sharpie, using science! If you are in the Sharpie oval, watch for further presidential tweets. BE CAREFUL! GOD BLESS EVERYONE!

Also, the National Weather Service has been renamed “Weather Force.” We begin nuking the tornadoes in five minutes.

Comments: (319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com

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