Staff Columnist

A few (fake) carols to brighten your holiday season

A crowd gathers to watch the lighting of the City of Cedar Rapids Christmas Tree at Greene Square Park in Downtown Cedar Rapids on Saturday, November 24, 2018. Prior to the lighting were children’s activitiy at the Cedar Rapids Public Library along with music by the Sweet Adelines and toy collection for Toys for Tots. (Cliff Jette/The Gazette)
A crowd gathers to watch the lighting of the City of Cedar Rapids Christmas Tree at Greene Square Park in Downtown Cedar Rapids on Saturday, November 24, 2018. Prior to the lighting were children’s activitiy at the Cedar Rapids Public Library along with music by the Sweet Adelines and toy collection for Toys for Tots. (Cliff Jette/The Gazette)

Christmas is just days away, meaning we’ve been hearing holiday music for about eight weeks now.

When I get tired of the classics, I fire up my own Christmas playlist. Let me play you samples from a few of my favorite selections.

God Rest Ye Tweeting President

God rest ye tweeting president

From digital dismay.

We beg you, put a sock in it

At least for Christmas Day.

To save us all from smocking guns

And pants gone up in flames.

Oh tidings of silence and peace.

Desist and cease.

Oh tidings of silence and peace ….

(Skip)

• • • • •

(Simply Having) A Wonderful Fox News Time

The country’s right.

The states are red.

All our polls.

Show Trump ahead.

Simply having a wonderful Fox News time.

Simply having a wonderful Fox News time.

Hannity’s on.

His show’s a hit.

His fans don’t mind.

He’s full of … Christmas spirit.

Simply having a wonderful Fox News time.

Simply having a wonderful Fox News time ….

(Skip)

• • • • •

The Collusion of the Bells

Hark now the probe

Big Mueller probe

It’s here to stay

Won’t go away

Russians were here.

Seems very clear.

Hacked all our feeds.

Did dirty deeds.

Fake news fake news.

Distorting our views.

Now must conclude

Did Trump collude?

Mueller, Mueller, Mueller, Mueller knows it.

Mueller Mueller Mueller, Mueller knows it.

On, on he‘ll go.

Tension will grow.

So many snitches

Naming the witches.

Hark now the bells.

So loud the bells.

All seem to say

They’re going to pay …

(Skip)

• • • • •

Baby, It’s Scary Outside

I really can’t stay (Baby there’s a wildfire outside.)

I gotta go away (Wait, now it’s a mudslide outside.)

This evening has been (National Guard dropped in.)

So very nice (Looks like rain, or is that ice?)

My mother will start to worry (She evacuated in a hurry.)

My father will be pacing the floor (I’ve heard we’ll get 10 inches more.)

So really I’d better scurry (I’m actually starting to worry.)

Well maybe just a half a drink more (Better flee to a higher floor.)

The neighbors might think (They’ve been airlifted out.)

Say what’s in this drink? (It’s from the emergency kit.)

I wish I knew how (To signal for help?)

To break this spell (Look out the window, six-foot swells.)

I ought to say no, no, no (We’d better just go, go, go.)

At least I’m going to say that I tried (Hail a boat to give us a ride.)

I really can’t stay (Not sure we can hold out.)

Baby it’s scary outside …

(Skip)

• • • • •

I saw Three Bills

I saw three bills come sailing through

One Statehouse day, one Statehouse day.

I saw them sail through Ways and Means.

One Statehouse day in the morning.

And what was in those bills all three?

One Statehouse day, one Statehouse day.

Tax breaks for them but not for thee.

On Statehouse day after lunch time.

Soon votes were cast for passage fast.

One Statehouse day, one Statehouse day.

The lobbyists they wrote the drafts.

One Statehouse day around midnight.

The governor, she signed them all.

One Statehouse day, one Statehouse day.

For donors it was quite a haul.

Like Christmas Day in the morning …

(Skip)

• • • • •

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas.

We wish you a merry Christmas.

We wish you a merry Christmas.

Nate Boulton please quit …

(Skip)

• • • • •

Frosty the Snowman (Visits Cedar Rapids)

Frosty the Snowman

Was a jolly happy soul.

With a corncob pipe and a button nose

And his eyes made out of coal.

Down there in Newbo

Frosty lectured at evolve.

He submitted his bill.

Haven’t paid him still.

But the city’s been absolved.

Frosty the snowman

Had to go downtown one day.

He was sure surprised.

When before his eyes

All the streets, they were two-way.

Frosty the Snowman

Was confused by all the lanes.

The other drivers say

Get out of my way!

As Frosty exclaims “Insane!”

He led them down to a city park

To a cop, who had a gripe.

But he only paused a moment when

He yelled “Put out that pipe!”

So Frosty the Snowman

Left town a little miffed.

But he waved goodbye

Saying don’t you cry.

I’ll be back if I get a TIF …

(Skip)

• • • • •

Good King Wenceslas (Visits Iowa City)

Good King Wenceslas looked out

On the Ped Mall benches.

Arm rests in the midst of them

Stoking local tensions.

Angry were the Facebook posts

Dubbed the arm rests cruel.

With the poor in need of rest,

This is just not cool.

So the King he stood a while

At a protest meeting.

“Was this the result of guile?

“Or need for added seating?”

The talk it seemed to last an age

On those arm rest benches.

So the King turned to his page

Go and fetch my wrenches …

l Comments: (319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com

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We value your trust and work hard to provide fair, accurate coverage. If you have found an error or omission in our reporting, tell us here.

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