Some fake Christmas carols for the times we live in

It’s beginning to sound like Christmas. But if you feel like those catchy carols don’t quite capture the modern spirit, here are some alternatives. Enjoy! Or not.

There’s no snow!

The weather outside is sunny

To light a fire, it would be funny.

On a bike ride we will go.

There’s no snow, there’s no snow, there’s no snow.

With climate change intensifying

It’s like we’re not even trying.

The temperature is not low.

There’s no snow, there’s no snow, there’s no snow.

When we finally kiss good night

How we’ll wonder where is the storm?

We’re wearing jackets so, so light.

As I walk to my home I’m too warm.

As the planet is slowly dying

And my dear, the temps are rising.

Emissions are not subsiding.

There’s no snow, there’s no snow, there’s no snow.

Here comes Donald Trump

Here comes Donald Trump, here comes Donald Trump

Right down Donald Trump Lane.

With Bannon and Junior and all his henchmen pulling on the reins.

Warning bells screaming, children fleeing, all is not at all right.

So pack a bag and say a prayer ‘cause Donald Trump comes tonight

Here comes Donald Trump, here comes Donald Trump

Right down Donald Trump Lane.

He’s got a bunch of insane ploys

For Republicans again.

Here his lies stir up MAGA guys.

Oh what a frightening sight.

So jump in the car and drive really far ‘cause Donald Trump comes tonight.

Here comes Donald Trump, here comes Donald Trump

Right down Donald Trump Lane.

He’ll come around when he figures out that it’s caucus time again.

Peace on earth won’t come at all, unless we get rid of this blight.

So let’s make pleas to the lord above, no Donald Trump comes tonight.

God bless you angry gentlemen

God bless you angry gentlemen

But please stop yelling “woke.”

It makes you sound like idiots

Your protests are a joke.

Save us all from doofus guys

Whose heads seem made of oak.

Oh please now will you just grow up?

Grow the hell up.

Oh please now will you just grow up?

God Bless you angry gentlemen.

Please show some damn respect.

You think you’re being silenced

You’re plainly incorrect.

You simply think your feelings

Are vital to protect.

I have news you are not going to like.

Not one bit.

For your feelings no one gives a … wit.

I heard the yells on Christmas Day

I heard the yells on Christmas Day

The old familiar grumbles play

Early parents woke, the toys are broke.

No peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair, I shook my head

“There is no Christmas peace,” I said.

The toys were wrong. Mom got a thong.

Disgruntlement drowns out this song.

Then peeled the bells more loud and deep.

The kids collapsed and mom got sleep.

In-laws arrive, but we’ll survive.

With peace on earth, good booze for men.

Over the river and through the woods

Over the river and through the woods

Past hog confinements we go.

The smell was so strong

As we traveled along

From manure spread on the snow!

Over the river and through the woods

Oh how the nitrates flow.

The owners are the governor’s donors

So will it get cleaned up? No!

And maybe you can’t stand Christmas music. This bonus track is for you.

Maricopa Arizona

Her name was Kari. She was an anchor.

A short cut for her hair and an icy, icy stare.

The election, she said was stolen.

Her ego was certainly swollen.

She set a low, low bar

Across a desert state, she thought she’d do so great

She had polls and a crazy message

She ran on MAGA hate.

At Maricopa, Arizona

The hottest spot east of Pomona.

At Maricopa, Arizona

Power and fiction have fueled her addiction.

At Maricopa, they fell in love.

His name was Donald.

His jet was golden.

He loved greasy fast food, but he was in a lousy mood.

At Mar-a-Lago, he called her over.

But Donald went a bit too far, her campaign was badly marred.

Then accusations flew, democracy broke in two.

There was a vote and a single winner, but just who beat who?

At Maricopa, Arizona.

The hottest spot west of Pamplona.

In Maricopa, Arizona

Her electoral obsession has delayed her concession

In Maricopa, she lost the vote.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com

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