116 3rd St SE
Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52401
It’s finally getting warmer outside, so your front porch, deck and patio are back in business. The Legislature still is in session, a primary election is fast approaching and the world, at last check, still is burning.
You’re going to need drinks. Here are some suggested libations.
The Voucher (The Vesper)
An unhealthy pour of ginned up attacks on public schools.
A sinister agenda of Absolut Nonsense, groomed.
A splash of Banned Book, an aperitif and knowledge thief.
Twisted facts, for garnish.
Buy ingredients using public money. Add the ginned up attacks, Absolute Nonsense and Banned Book to a mixing glass and stir recklessly, irresponsibly or both. Pour into a non-transparent receptacle, add the twisted facts and drink privately, behind closed doors.
A gust of El Viento Tequila, relentless.
A gloom of lime juice, extra cloudy.
A shock of Mid-July orange liquor, heated to 95 degrees.
Limes, a track meet of ice and road salt for garnish.
Pour the booze in a blender, and soon it will render, that frozen concoction that helps you hang on. Drink wearing a coat. No, a tank top. And pants. Wait, shorts.
A hefty Rastetter of rum, loaded and influential.
A bushel basket of cream of campaign contributions.
A Branstad of political juice, pineapple.
An arm’s length of Vilsack lime juice.
Four billion gallons of ethanol.
Some rich farmland, seized and eminently domained.
Ice, made from dirty Iowa water, frozen pineapple and some corn kernels, for garnish.
Using a utilities board, slide all of the ingredients into a mixer. Blend until ice and private property rights are crushed, chopped and pulverized. Serve in a section of pipeline or some tile line. There’s no moratorium on how many you can drink.
A troubling pour of Old Joe’s Approval Ratings Rye, 80 proof, or about 40 percent.
Or a leak of Roe v. Wade Rye, overturned, agitating.
Or a spike of Inflation Risky, historically expensive.
A shot of Voting Rights Vermouth, restricted.
Several dashes of Authoritarian bitters, Trumped and threatening.
A Mendacity cherry, for garnish.
Mix Approval Ratings, Roe v. Wade or risky with Voting Rights and bitters in a beat-up container that once held our democratic norms. Stir, desperately but hopefully. Drink, then make another round. As if you really need a reason.
No-oversight-at-all Spritz (Aperol spritz)
A Reynolds of No-oversight-at-all
A shout of My Attorney General, compliant.
A splash of My State Auditor, toothless.
A slice of orange you glad the Legislature provides no oversight?
Pour ingredients into a large glass with ice and stir, quietly. Drink like no one is watching.
Red State Gut Punch
An Abbott of border hysteria, stirred endlessly.
A DeSantis of Disney hysteria, legislated recklessly.
A Reynolds of public school hysteria, spiteful and unprecedented.
A Ricketts of Critical Race Theory hysteria, vastly overblown.
A Tucker of White Comfort, straight.
A fearmonger of banned books, restricted abortion, laws against teaching actual history, the big lie and transphobia, for a garish garnish.
Combine ingredients, hysterically, in a large mixing glass or a Fox News bullhorn. Serve continuously to frightened voters. Repeat, over and over again.
Todd Columnist (Tom Collins)
A “woke” of criticisms, emailed.
A “bias,” of columns, repeatedly condemned.
A “both sides,” of false equivalence, endlessly demanded.
A shot of “move out of Iowa,” often suggested.
Lemon-lime soda and a squeeze of lime, for garnish.
Mix first four ingredients in a highball glass. Dump down the drain. Reserve soda and lime for another drink. You’re going to need it.
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