116 3rd St SE
Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52401
Howdy, everyone. This is Texas Gov. Greg Abbott and I’ve called this conference call to settle on a name for our new initiative to score some vital political points from the Biden border crisis. I’m proposing we call it the “American Governors’ Border Strike Force.”
It’s got “American,” which Americans like. And it’s got “strike force,” which is super dramatic and could lead to a marketing spinoff with action figures, video games, etc. The T-shirts alone will sell like hot cakes at gun shows and Trump rallies.
“But will we really have an actual force striking the border?”
No, Gov. DeWine, this is all about the midterms. We’re not going to do anything different from what we’re doing now. This intelligence sharing and drug interdiction is what law enforcement is already doing. It won’t cost Ohio or any state a cent. It’s hollow, cynical political sloganeering at its finest. And it scares the hell out of older white voters. It’s a win-win. Well, except for asylum-seekers.
If anyone questions it, just keep yelling “fentanyl!” until they go away.
“I like the name but I think it needs to convey the fact that unaccompanied kids seeking asylum are not our problem. We don’t want them anywhere near Iowa. By the way, have you seen our new effort begging people to come to Iowa and fill all our unfilled jobs?”
Gov. Reynolds, I think we’ve already made the point crystal clear. We’ve done everything we can to demonize these border crossers as drug-toting, diseased criminals with scary tattoos. We’ve even convinced Americans we have an open border while simultaneously pointing to hundreds of thousands of border apprehensions. It’s some Olympic-level dishonesty.
But after the Trump years, it’s become an instant reflex. We’re like ninja truth assassins.
“Has anyone considered all the moments in American history where we targeted immigrants as some dangerous enemy, resulting in violence, oppression and ultimately regret for what we did? We just keep replaying this sad, cruel scenario, blaming immigrants for all of our problems when most of them are just seeking a better life. We proclaim that America is an exceptional nation, and a nation of immigrants, and yet here we are playing on the same old fears.”
Who said that? A radical Marxist groomer has infiltrated our strike force call! Mobilize the National Guard! We’re being invaded!
“Ellis Island processed millions of immigrants.”
There’s that voice again. It’s almost like the voice I heard in my head when I still had a conscience.
Luckily, I think we’ve all agreed to ban teaching this kind of noxious history in our classrooms, so no one will know. This is just more insidious critical truth theory and it has no place in our schools. Anyone who teaches it will be arrested for child abuse. We’ll also start cracking down on journalists for spreading these un-American ideas. I’m pretty sure it’s in the Constitution.
“Can I body slam a reporter?”
Sure, Gov. Gianforte, you do it your way.
“Did someone just say ‘gay’?”
No, Gov. DeSantis. The American Governors LGBTQ Strike Force will be announced next week on Tucker Carlson Tonight.
(319) 398-8262; firstname.lastname@example.org