A modified citizenship test for Iowa kids

Tucked into the governor’s big education bill, Senate File 496, is a little discussed provision requiring Iowa students to take the latest U.S. citizenship test to prove their knowledge of United States government and civics.

Kids must get at least 70 percent of the questions right to graduate, but they can take the test as many times as they like. More than 90 percent of immigrants vying for citizenship pass the test.

The bill also allows school districts to “modify” the test. Given the current political situation in Iowa and the nation, I think modifications definitely are needed. Here are some suggested questions that better reflect our times.

1. Who is totally the boss of us?

A. Gov. Kim Reynolds.

B. All of the above.

2. How does a bill become a law?

A. The governor mentions it in her Condition of the State address.

B. A. bill is drafted a few days later.

C. The bill spends tons of money but skips the appropriation process.

D. Public comment is allowed, but just for show.

E. The bill passes less than two weeks after its proposed.

F. It’s signed amid a celebration by out-of-state interest groups.

G. All of the above.

3. ““Equal protection under the law” means what?

A. Straight, white Christian people can’t be uncomfortable.

B. We are all protected equally from people we don’t like.

C. We can be separate but equal.

D. That sounds like socialism.

E. All of the above.

4. How has slavery shaped American history?

A. Slavery? What slavery?

B. You’d be surprised how well slaves were treated.

C. This question makes me uncomfortable.

D.I’m going to report you to the Department of Education.

E. Despite all the racism, this is not a racist country.

F. All of the above.

5. Who is the president of the United States?

A. Donald Trump.

B. A. Republican because the election is illegitimate otherwise.

C. Joe Biden, if you believe the liberal media.

D. I’m a Republican politician and I’d rather not say.

E. All of the above.

4. Who wrote the Constitution?

A. God, who then overnighted it to James Madison

B. Guys in powdered wigs who wanted to ban drag shows.

C. Slaveholders who wanted to secure the blessings of liberty.

D. We the people, but not those people.

E. All of the above.

5. What does “checks and balances” mean?

A. The Legislature checks with the governor to get its marching orders.

B. Checks from big donors tip the balance in favor of bills they want.

C. Lawmakers body-check constituencies they don’t care about and knock them off balance.

D. Check with conservative think tanks to see what bills should be passed.

E. All of the above.

6. The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press. What does that mean?

A. The press is free to watch our government from a great distance.

B. The press is free to print only stuff that I agree with.

C. I’m free to point and yell “Bias!” at every journalist.

D. All news should be free of charge.

E. This column is the last straw. I’m canceling my subscription.

F. All of the above.

7. Iowa’s motto is “Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain.” What does that mean?

A. It’s just a suggestion.

B. If you read the fine print, I’m pretty sure it says, “Except transgender people.”

C. We’re at liberty to curtail rights if we’ve got the votes.

D. Liberties and rights end at conception.

E. All of the above.

8. What role does the Supreme Court play in our government?

A. It reviews all the rights we have and deletes the bad ones.

B. It owns the libs.

C. It makes sure the norms of 1787 remain the law of the land.

D. It guarantees we can each own a bazillion cool guns.

E. It maintains a wall of separation between people and their rights.

F. All of the above.

9. What role does the Electoral College play in presidential elections?

A. It guarantees Republicans can still win the presidency.

B. It elects the president unless the vice president vetoes the results.

C. State electors actually vote for president, not the people. It makes total sense.

D. It can’t be a college without a football team.

E. It provides a great pretext for an insurrection.

F. All of the above.

10. Under the Constitution, can Iowa secede from the union?

A. Judging by the number of confederate flags I’ve seen around here, I’m pretty sure we already have.

B. We’ve got 3 million people and 23 million hogs. Just try and stop us.

C. Yes, if socialism starts leaking in from Minnesota and Illinois.

D.I favor a national divorce, so long as farm payments and the ethanol mandate are included in alimony.

E. Yes, if we can continue sending our dirty water to the Gulf of Mexico.

F. All of the above.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com

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