116 3rd St SE
Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52401
Our Red State Trailblazer wants national exposure, so that means pursuing a national agenda.
Gov. Kim Reynolds is sending Iowa State Patrol troopers to the U.S.-Mexico border ostensibly to stop drug smuggling and human trafficking. Details on the deployment have been tough to come by, including who is paying the freight.
South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem, another trailblazer, is sending National Guard troops to the border and a GOP megadonor from Tennessee is footing the bill. Rent-an-army. What could go wrong? No word on any such arrangement in Iowa.
But what’s clear is Reynolds is hoping to score political points by looking tough on illegal immigration. No self-respecting trailblazer can afford to look soft in dealing with a surge of refugees from Central America. Immigrant kids aren’t our problem, Reynolds famously said. But she is willing to use our troopers to advance the GOP political narrative of a crisis at the border created by President Joe Biden.
And this may not be the last such effort by Reynolds and Iowa Republicans hoping to create some national buzz around their red state agenda. I’ve obtained a (totally fake) memo pointing to even more deployments.
MEMO: Top Secret
Planned national deployments of Iowa resources.
Operation Toothpick: Agents with the Iowa Department of Agriculture will be deployed to surrounding states to emphasize the inferiority of their sweet corn when compared to Iowa’s delicious crop. Tactics will include subterfuge, undercover corn stand monitoring and social media misinformation. Iowa corn and melted butter will be utilized.
Operation Dead Zone: The Iowa Environmental Protection Commission will infiltrate the Gulf Coast shrimping community and spread the word that the Gulf of Mexico dead zone really isn’t all that bad. They’ll also push the notion that Iowa is doing all it can to reduce pollutants depleting water oxygen. Agents must bone up on Cajun pronunciations and refrain from complaining about spicy food.
Operation Fragility: Iowa National Guard forces will be deployed to some of the nation’s most liberal colleges and universities to keep Critical Race Theory from escaping campuses and indoctrinating impressionable Iowa school children. Operation will provide aid and comfort to Iowans who just would rather not talk about this stuff.
Operation ‘A River Runs Through It’: Department of Natural Resources Director Kayla Lyon will be deployed to Montana to convince locals that trout streams and massive livestock operations can peacefully coexist without environmental impact. Lyon will be equipped with waders.
Operation Coastal Elites: Iowa Economic Development Authority Director Debi Durham will be deployed to coastal metropolitan areas to remind them of our incredibly large, affordable housing, with spacious mud rooms, and low-tax business climate. She’ll also emphasize that red state Iowa is a happy, bright, candy apple red, not a dark oppressive, unwelcoming, intolerant red.
Operation Red State America: Led by the Republican majority in the Iowa Legislature.
Republican lawmakers will be organized into strike teams.
Strike Team Sports Genitalia: Lawmakers will deploy to the Tokyo Olympics and other major sporting events to check the gender of female athletes competing in various events. The strike team will be equipped with X-Ray glasses.
Strike Team 1619: Lawmakers will be deployed to Howard University, which recently hired Nikole Hannah-Jones, who won a Pulitzer Prize for the New York Time’s 1619 Project, putting slavery and racism at the center of the American story. Lawmakers will politely whitesplain to faculty, staff and students how the hiring of the Iowa native is a big mistake and why the 1619 Project is un-American propaganda that should be banned. Good luck with that, strike team.
Strike Team COVID: Lawmakers skeptical of the severity of COVID-19 and the safety of vaccines will be deployed to areas of the country seeing a rise in cases and hospitalizations as new variants and low vaccination rates fuel a continued pandemic. They’ll reassure ICU patients and their families that the pandemic is actually over.
Strike Team Lollygaggers: Lawmakers will be deployed across the nation to inform Americans on public assistance that they’re just plain lazy. They’ll be informed of plentiful job openings at Iowa’s vast array of Pizza Ranches and other opportunities.
Operation War on Meat: On M-Day, at 0600 hours, Air National Guard assets will begin dropping high quality beef and pork in cities including San Francisco, Seattle, Portland and other liberal bastions controlled by vegan elements. All Iowa forces will be on high alert for possible retaliatory veggie burger counter strikes.
Operation Red State Trailblazer: Trailblazer will be deployed to Fox News.
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