Limericks for Caitlin Clark, Phil Parker, the Murray twins and more, and they even rhyme

We don’t live by essays alone. We need water, air, food, and especially, limericks.

This is one of my favorites from someone else:

There once was a man who averred

He had learned how to fly like a bird

Cheered by thousands of people

He leaped from the steeple

(His tomb marks the date it occurred)

I considered writing some of my own for these pages, but didn’t have the time or patience to attempt such silliness. So I commissioned the task to an old Irish mate of mine, Paddy O’Furniture. Any complaints you have should be forwarded directly to him.

And remember, artificial intelligence has already started doing some of our jobs.

On Caitlin Clark:

There once was a baller named Clark

Whose slick moves made defenders bark

With crossovers neat

And threes hard to beat

Opponents were left in the dark

On the NFL draft:

In the NFL draft, it's a mad dash

To find players with speed and panache

But sometimes they'll choose wrong

And fans sing a sad song

As their team ends up in the trash

On Herky the Hawk:

There once was a bird named Herky

Whose antics were really quite quirky

He flapped and he soared

But was often ignored

By fans who thought he was too turkey

On the NBA playoffs:

In the NBA playoffs, the play is electric

Players give it their all, they're so very hectic

But when someone gets hot

And starts talking a lot

The defenders start feeling dyspeptic

On Iowa football defensive coordinator Phil Parker:

There once was a coach named Phil Parker

Whose defense was like a fierce barker

His opponents would weep

As his players would leap

Like a pack of wild dogs in the park, sir

On bowling:

There was a bowler from Belle Plaine

Whose aim was both steady and plain

But then came the beer

His strikes disappeared

And gutter balls ruled his domain

On Keegan and Kris Murray:

There were two Murray players so fine

Their jump shots left foes all a’whine

Keegan and Kris

What sharpshooters they is

Said opponents, "Oh, we're in a bind!"

On sports talk radio:

A caller on sports talk one day

Had some hot takes he wanted to say

But he forgot to press mute

And we all heard him toot

Now he's famous in a different way

On the Minnesota Vikings:

In Minnesota, the Vikings play ball

Their fans hope they win, one and all

But when it gets cold

Their game can grow old

And they slip on the ice and they fall

On the Big Ten:

The Big Ten is a conference so bold,

With teams that are worth so much gold

But when it comes to the score,

They end up on the floor

Blaming officials, bad luck, or the cold

On NIL

There once was a baller named Kyle

Who said, "NIL is worthwhile!"

But his first sponsor was strange

A brand selling sheep mange

Now his hair is a tangled, woolly pile

On pickleball:

There is a group that plays pickleball

They take it so seriously, above all

But they all slipped and fell

On the court's pickle juice swell

Now they play in rain boots, it's protocol

On college football recruiting:

There once was a coach so obsessive

For recruits that were truly impressive

He started to roam

Around the kids’ homes

And wooed their dogs, too, quite excessive

On sports betting:

There was a sports fan who'd always bet

On games he thought he could correctly select

But his picks were all wrong

His losing streak too long

Now he eats ramen with deep regret

On fishing at Lake Macbride:

There lives a fisherman named Clyde

Who at Lake Macbride does abide

He casts his line with great care

But his catches are rare

So he goes to the store and buys fish inside

On ESPN:

On ESPN, the experts opine

On every sport and every line

But their predictions can fail

And then they must wail

"At least we have highlights to shine!"

On the Cy-Hawk Trophy:

There's a trophy sought after by all

The Cy-Hawk causes a football brawl

Hawkeyes and Cyclones fight

To claim it with all their might

But in the end, it's just birds and a ball!

Comments: (319) 398-8440; mike.hlas@thegazette.com