Hlastradamus: The football prophet returns with incredibly good advice

Hlastradamus is annoyed.

He was called back to duty here before Labor Day, and had to delay heading to Gibraltar for a holiday yacht party with a Russian oligarch.

The prophet can’t even properly do his job giving you college football winners, because Iowa and Iowa State are playing FCS teams this week and the Nevada sports books don’t take action on games involving the FCS.

Hlastradamus has standing grudges with a couple of Vegas organizations as it is, but that’s a different story for a different day.

Anyway, the South Dakota State-Iowa and Southeast Missouri State-Iowa State games have lines at some online sportsbooks, but they fluctuate wildly from one to another. The seer says if you can get Iowa and 15 points at one site and South Dakota State and 20 at another, do it, and hope for a 17-point Hawkeyes triumph.

This still being summer, Hlastradamus isn’t committed to going back to work. So he’s taking a lazy way out in Week 1 and says to just take points, points, points, and hope no one’s offense has its kinks worked out coming out of the blocks. His picks:

Colorado State +30.5 at Michigan

Oregon +17.5 vs. Georgia

UTEP +30.5 at Oklahoma

Notre Dame +17 at Ohio State

Utah State +41.5 at Alabama

Or you could just forget the first four games and bet on Utah State five times.

The Aggies won 11 games last year and have one under their belts this season. They won at Washington State. They won at Air Force. They won the Mountain West championship game at San Diego State by 33 points. They won last year’s Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl over Oregon State.

Last year, 54-point favorite Alabama beat FCS Mercer, 48-14. Nick Saban’s team did all it needed to do without humiliating its guest.

Saban doesn’t need to chase points against the little guys to reach the national playoffs. The Crimson Tide were 8-7 against the spread last year. Utah State was 10-4.

The seer’s other four picks, as you’ve been told, were made out of sloth. He’ll be ready to do deeper dives next week. But this is Labor Day weekend, and the prophet already set sail for Gibraltar before you got done reading this.

Let’s hope the yacht is seized and the oligarch is sanctioned. But let’s also hope some good caviar remains for Hlastradamus to enjoy. The prophet must be pampered, you know.