A Family Affair: ‘The Bachelor’ series has it all wrong

Now that all our friends are vaccinated, one of my favorite weekly traditions has returned: “The Bachelor” watch parties. Every Monday night, a group of us gather to have a glass of wine and watch the latest installment of the “The Bachelor.” If your not familiar, “The Bachelor” — and it’s spinoffs, “The Bachelorette” and “Bachelor in Paradise” — are reality dating television shows where one person meets multiple eligible singles and tries to find love.

If you’re a fan of “The Bachelor” franchise like me, you’re familiar with its catchphrases. You can’t watch a season of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” without hearing things like “I’m here for the right reasons” or “I’m not here to make friends” or anything that includes the word “journey” in it.

However, in the last few season of the show, there has been one phrase that has being used with increased frequency, “You need to be vulnerable.”

While I can’t be sure, I attribute the increase use of this phrase to the work of Brene Brown. Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and for the last two decades has extensively studied vulnerability. Her work resulted in her wildly popular TED talk — The Power of Vulnerability — and many bestselling books.

Brown’s incredible research on vulnerability has shown that to feel connected, loved and seen by those important to us, we need vulnerability. Vulnerability is the courage to show those closest to us our imperfections.

It makes sense that a show like “The Bachelor” would grab on to this concept. It wants to create real and lasting relationships for its contestants. Unfortunately, “The Bachelor” franchise, like many of us, try and shortcut our way to vulnerability.

On a recent episode, the series lead, Katie, gathers her suitors in a circle, and has former series lead, Nick, lead something that resembles a group-therapy session.

Nick starts off the conversation by asking Katie’s suitors to be truthful about things that they have done in the past that they are not proud of. He wants them to be vulnerable.

Katie’s suitors start sharing stories of when they cheated on a partner, lied about their intentions, or other things that bring them a sense of shame.

Watching it, it felt more like a confessional than an exercise in vulnerability. It felt like these suitors were forced to air their dirty laundry to show that they there were there “for the right reasons.”

The intimacy, connection and security that comes from vulnerability can’t be forced or rushed. It won’t happen if we feel compelled to share something that brings us shame to prove our love for someone else.

As my former professor Joe Wetchler said, “The best way to avoid intimacy is to demand it.”

If we want the vulnerability that Brene Brown has studied, the kind that brings intimacy and connection in our close relationships, we don’t demand it. We wait for it. We cultivate it. We share our own insecurities without the expectation that the other person will do this same.

And when someone does open up, we honor that. We listen to them. We give them space to share. We don’t judge or give advice, we give them our presence.

If we really want someone in our lives that’s “here for the right reasons,” we need to create the space and time to cultivate shared vulnerability. Lasting love is OK with a slower pace.

Jacob Priest is a licensed marriage and family therapist and University of Iowa professor. He co-hosts the Attached Podcast. Comments: priestjb@gmail.com