Hlastradamus sees how Penn State-Iowa plays out

Hlastradamus (artist’s rendition)

Anyone can call themselves a football know-all and pick three out of five games right against the spread one time.

Hlastradamus is the Weekly Wizard, the Consistent Seer, the Progressively Profitable Prophet.

The soothsayer hung another 3-2 on the board last week for a 16-8 season total. Against the spread, mortals! That’s zero losing weeks in five tries.

Had you been riding with Hlastradamus from the get-go, you could now afford your own horse. But maybe you’d like to buy Ol’ Jack his own stable. (Hey, supposedly Jack is a popular horse name. What does Hlastradamus know about that? He’s more than 30,000 feet above all you mortal beasts, two- and four-legged.)

Here then, are this week’s winners. Get ready to live in comfort, Ol’ Jack.

Iowa -1.5 vs. Penn State

Hlastradamus is so tempted to call this a two-touchdown Hawkeyes victory against a Penn State offense he thinks can be tamed, but his respect for the Nittany Lions’ team makes him call this a close one.

Both teams are 4-1 against the spread this year, so that’s a push. Here’s what’s not a push:

An Iowa defense that leads the nation in turnovers, with them leading to 75 points in five games.

A kooky crowd that tosses another few points of advantage the Hawkeyes’ way.

The fact the Hawkeyes have won four of their last five games against top-five teams (OK, the loss was to No. 4 Penn State in 2019), and the stars are aligned for Herky and Company.

It’s not complicated, and it’s all Hlastradamus needs. If you need more, wade through all those talking heads on the morning pregame shows. The seer would rather spend that time eating sourdough pancakes at Numny’s in Copper Center, Alaska. It’s off the beaten path, but you don’t get to be a prophet without knowing things.

Nebraska +3.5 vs. Michigan

Wouldn’t it be wild if the best team on the second half of Iowa’s schedule turned out to be Nebraska, not Wisconsin?

Well, the Huskers have covered five straight times after their season-opening debacle at Illinois. Only 5-0 Bowling Green is better.

Option quarterbacks are the bane of Michigan. Enter Adrian Martinez. Hello, covering the 3.5 points.

Ohio State -21 vs. Maryland

Iowa broke Maryland last week. Ohio State won’t let the pieces get reassembled.

Wisconsin -10 at Illinois

It’s a lot of points when it comes to the Badgers’ hard-to-watch offense with who-knows at quarterback this week. A dairy barn-full of points, in fact.

But Wisconsin’s defense can get the 10 points and let its offense play the Illini to a scoreless standstill.

Texas +3.5 vs. Oklahoma

The Sooners are 0-4 against the spread against FBS opposition, winning each time by just one score. That kind of tiptoeing doesn’t play well at the Texas State Fair.

Speaking of which, Grand Funk Railroad played that fair last Sunday, a stop on its Some Kind of Wonderful Tour. The group’s biggest hit, “We’re An American Band,” is 48 years old.

Those four young chiquitas in Omaha are now pushing 70.