Hlastradamus takes Hawkeyes in his final picks ever

The seer can't see Iowa offense stalling vs. Nebraska sieve

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This is it for Hlastradamus.

You’ll be left to your own devices for the Army-Navy game. The seer suggests you call in the Marines.

The prophet has sent word he’s focusing his future forecasts on your planet’s pressing problems, like overuse of alliteration. Never again will he be back here to make college football picks. Your world will go on, probably. Maybe. OK, doubtfully. But keep hope alive.

And now, on with his final batch of football predictions:

Iowa -3 vs. Nebraska

Hlastradamus told you the Hawkeyes would cover against Wisconsin and Purdue. Now do you know why he’s changing his career path?

But this is the same bunch of Huskers that has allowed 54 and 56 points in its last two games. The 54 came from Minnesota, which had a zero at Northwestern the following game.

If Iowa can’t hang at least 45 on the Huskers, it should skip past its third-tier bowl game and join Hlastradamus in his winter conditioning. Which consists of going somewhere warm and sweating by a pool.

Kansas State -2.5 vs. Iowa State

Iowa State has the best record in the nation against the point spread this season, 9-2.

Last week, the Cyclones were a 9.5-point pick at Baylor. They won by 10. That’s efficiency.

Why go against them now? It’s because K-State Coach Bill Snyder was a college classmate of Hlastradamus several centuries ago, and the prophet knows Snyder is never caught napping. Like last week, when his team won at Oklahoma State.

Remember Okie State Coach Mike Gundy’s “I’m a man! I’m 40!” routine of yore? Well Snyder is a man’s man! He’s 78! He was 40 when Iowa State’s Matt Campbell was born.

Michigan -12 vs. Ohio State

No, Michigan’s offense wasn’t effective enough to beat Michigan State or Penn State or Wisconsin.

But this is Ann Arbor, this is The Game there, and this is a 12-point spread.

The Wolverines have covered against the Buckeyes in three of the last four years. In case you hadn’t heard, they take this Ohio State game kind of seriously.

Twelve points? Hlastradamus will take that in this game every year from now until Jim Harbaugh leaves Michigan to become the next pope.

Wisconsin -17 at Minnesota

That’s a row-your-boatload of points. But if Minnesota scored zero at Northwestern last week, what will it put up against the Badgers’ ferocious defense? Less than nothing seems to be the best guess.

Wisconsin won’t mind playing away from home, either, since 98.6 percent of the fans at this game figure to be wearing Badger red and laughing every time Minnesota attempts the concept known as the forward pass.

The Gophers completed five passes a week ago at Northwestern. Three, unfortunately, were caught by Wildcat defenders.

That was against Northwestern’s defense, a good one. This will be Wisconsin’s defense, a great one.

The Badgers don’t row boats. They drive steamrollers.

Auburn +4.5 vs. Alabama

Alabama, which is 11-0, hasn’t had an unbeaten season since 2009. Hlastradamus guesses you were surprised to learn that. Wait, he doesn’t guess. He knows. And if you argue, he’ll know you’re disagreeable.

So the Tide is due to get rolled, and where better (or worse, in their minds) than Auburn?

Should the Tigers prevail, the trick for Bama will be to secure a national-playoff berth even though it won’t even be playing in the SEC title game.

Naturally, it will. Naturally, it will then win another national crown. Naturally, we’ll then wonder what the point of any of this was.

Which is why Hlastradamus is bidding you adieu. Have a nice afterlife.

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