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Hlastradamus knows things. You don’t last in the cosmos for several centuries on beauty alone, though he certainly is a looker.
So, he brings us his pick for the Iowa State-Iowa game against the Nevada spread, but that will wait until the end. You don’t open your Back Porch Revival with Blake Shelton, you save him for the end.
(Back in the day, Blake Shelton opened for Hlastradamus at the Pontotoc County Free Fair in Ada, Okla.)
Anyhoo ... the prophet was a pedestrian 3-3 last week. He brilliantly told you Western Michigan would not only cover a 5.5-point spread at Northwestern, but would win the game. That’s why he’s here.
OK, he also said Bowling Green would cover the 28.5 at Ohio State. The Buckeyes had that ruined by the pregame coin-toss before their 77-10 triumph. As for this week ...
Penn State +5.5 at Pittsburgh
Neither of these teams’ offenses will remind anyone of Baylor’s. But no program wants to be compared to Baylor’s these days, anyway.
Pittsburgh is Hlastradamus’ favorite American city, with the exceptions of Chicago, New Orleans, Miami Beach, New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland, Ore., Portland, Maine, and Elkader.
Purdue +6.5 at Cincinnati
Cincinnati wants in the Big 12. People at Purdue want a great football team. Cincinnati is more likely to get its wish answered.
But bet on the Boilermakers, not the Bearcats. That tout was brought to you by the letter ‘B.’
Indiana -17.5 vs. Ball State
The Hoosiers have lost their last three games against Ball State. You might think a school with the name “Ball” in it would be better than average in sports, but the Ballers have won just nine of their last 24 football games.
Indiana has finally advanced above being a football mess. No longer can you dance into Bloomington from Muncie, then dance out a few hours later with mirth and merriment.
Oh, you probably still can, but it would get you branded as a goof.
Michigan -35 vs. UCF
The tender mercy capital of North America isn’t between Jim Harbaugh’s ears.
That is such a good one-liner. The CPAP machine Hlastradamus got is really starting to pay dividends.
Western Kentucky +28.5 at Alabama
No one, and Hlastradamus means no one, beats Western Kentucky by more than 28 points.
Sure, LSU beat the Hilltoppers by exactly 28 last year. But 28 isn’t more than 28. And all we are is all we are.
Iowa -15 vs. Iowa State
All week, the prophet has heard mortals say that’s too many points in a rivalry game, especially in a series that has been tighter than a Speedo on an offensive lineman over the last five years.
Hlastradamus is science-based, and science tells him to run to the opposite side of the line when mortals are all telling you to go the other way.
Speaking of mortals, here’s what a few of the seer’s millions of followers said about this game:
@HawkeyeElvis Heartbreak Hotel for the Cyclones. Good Rockin’ Tonight for the Hawkeyes. 38-17
@Evildoer_Esq 31-26 Iowa. Cyclones always scare me.
@AustinDoggett 35-13 Hawks. Iowa makes Campbell’s Kinnick debut a little soupy.
@Imboilingeggs 31-25 Iowa. Ferentz avoids his worst loss. Worst loss continues to be 2014 loss to ISU.
@deit_pl 41-17 Iowa. The storm needs to brew a while longer ...
@HD_starr Not what I actually think will happen, but: ISU 17 — Iowa 14. Let the buyout talk begin on Kirk’s new contract.