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Good Timey Radio Hour

If you listen until the end, you can hear aliens

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Welcome to the Good Timey Radio Hour. This will be a stream-of-consciousness run from the HawkTalk with Kirk Ferentz show, hosted by Iowa play-by-play voice Gary Dolphin on Wednesday nights. The show is broadcast from Applebee’s in Iowa City.

This blog is the companion to the show, I’d like to think. A little like this blog is a companion to the Beaker Street Radio Show. Whoa, man. Far out.

Dolph is taking requests on what your complaints are. Oh boy. Why don’t you just light the torches and polish the pitchforks for them, Dolph!!!!

Wait, wait, wait. He’s reading the Cedar Rapids phonebook (the physical paper book). And Dolph has forgotten the number to the call-in show (kidding, kidding, kidding).

Jim the trucker dude is in Illinois. He wants KF to turn up the Steve Ferentz on the OL and Ryan Boyle at WR.

“We’ve got to do something, because this is going south real quick.”

Jim saying what everyone is thinking. Except for those two players. No one is clamoring for them. They just aren’t.

Dolph said he believes KF and the staff are trying to get Boyle on the field. Dolph mentions the pistol formation. Said he wouldn’t be surprised if you see Boyle on the field soon.

Oh no, Dolph. You’ve just blown up my Twitter.

[SHAKES FISTS AT THE HEAVENS EMOJI]

— Dolph is reading stats now. This is my favorite part.

— Two lines open!

— Max from Spirit Lake. Dolph is diffusing here. Talking Ryan Kriener, an Iowa hoops player from Spirit Lake. The man is a pro, the man is a pro.

Question on sacks. What’s going on with the O-line. What grade would KF give the O-line coach this year?

Oh man, Max from Spirit Lake went there.

Oh man, Dolph just brought up the sack Cole Croston gave up vs. NDSU. Dolph must have stock in torches and pitchforks.

— Bryce from Washington. Complimented Dolph on getting the phone number out.

This is a plant. This is brilliant. Man, I hope this is a plant. I want to give this man a million dollars.

Something about blocking below the waist, eeny meeny miney mo and a whole bunch of stuff.

Dolph’s head is spinning. He’s dazed. He’s trying to get out of Bryce from Washington voice and back to Dolph from Dubuque voice.

This is Fellini. This is art.

Hurry-up offense, I think Bryce said. Dolph called it “gimmickry.” And I think he’s right. It’s just not Iowa. It’s like me wearing a tie.

— Anthony from Des Moines.

Plant? Plant? Plant!!!!

Something, something. Spaced out hard there.

Dolph: You’ve got to win your home games.

Boom. Correct. Dead on. That’s why this season is spinning into Darth Vader at the end of Star Wars Real Star Wars, whirling in a broken TIE fighter, twirling into the abyss.

OK, it’s not there yet. Let’s go with Lord of the Rings Battle of Helm’s Deep.

— Dale from I spaced out.

“Our quarterback is supposed to be a runner, too.”

Dale is not a plant. Dale is real. Dale is real. Red alert. Red alert. He also kind of sounds like Dale Gribble from “King of the Hill.”

Dolph talked about CJB throwing the ball away more. Did you notice how many times Clayton Thorson threw the ball into the Kinnick bleachers last week? Like three.

Roll outs, depth chart changes. Dolph doesn’t think KF will give those up. I don’t think there will be any.

— Peter Jok interview.

— KF is in the house. Coffee is on.

“It’s our show,” KF said to Dolph. “You carry me.”

So, True Detective Season 3 memes, get them going, people.

— KF called Shannon Brooks “The artist formerly known as No. 21.” Hey, he’s in good humor.

— Someone from the Quad Cities is using his Bat phone.

Wants a fake punt. I did ask Ron Coluzzi this week about his rugby punts and whether or not he’s poised to take off with the ball. He said yes, but he’s got to get the green light.

— Dave from Bettendorf. Sounds like Winnie the Pooh.

Dave is on the positives. Dave is not a plant and Dave is on the positives from last week. Of course, that begins and ends with the return teams.

Dave wants rollouts. Everyone wants rollouts. I want Rollos.

Dave is filibustering, but brings up a great point about everything being connected, man.

— Dolph was the sportscaster at KDUB in Dubuque in the 1980s. He was tremendous.

— Anything different on the OL, Dolph asks.

“We just have to do better,” KF said. “We have to do a better job. Some of that is a team thing ... There are a lot of things that factor in on that.”

— Lionel from Albert City.

For sure a plant. Whenever there’s a first name town, it’s a plant.

O-line needs to step up. Loved Desmond and McCarron. This is a plant. Lionel is losing his train of thought. I think his living room is on fire or he’s being held at gun point. Dolph to the rescue!!!

Dolph brings up long drives, three straight 70-plus yarders.

— Lineup changes?

Iowa takes 10 OL to the hotel.

Ryan Boyle? Working hard and not everybody is in the two deep or starts. Competing, great attitude, pushing forward. So, probably no Boyle? I don’t know.

On the rollouts: KF doesn’t know if they’ve called more or less. CJB is effective when he is on the run. “I don’t know if we’ll see more of that or not.”

— Wally from CR. He called me Monday. He’s a good talker.

Question on fans and officiating. Wally doesn’t like fans throwing stuff on the field. “Take the effort it takes to throw a water bottle 40 yards onto the field and use it to yell your guts out.”

I don’t want to see anyone’s guts. That’s not my bag, man.

OK, now Wally is being Wally. He wants pump fakes. [FOREHEAD SLAP EMOJI]

Wally wants Derrick Mitchell on power toss and pump fake and pass it.

[KF SPIT TAKE EMOJI]

KF agrees on the water bottle tossing. So many Olympic-level throwers on Saturday.

— Bubba from Primghar.

Mentions CJB facemask. Third downs and shotgun formation. CJB was sacked five times out of shotgun on Saturday. Bubba makes a good point on fans throwing stuff. No real fans.

Mentions a beer tossing from the baseball last night.

“Iowa fans would never throw beer,” Dolph said.

— TOMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

How good is Espinosa the 5-8 defensive captain we got from Illinois.

I think that’s what he said. Maybe it’s AJ Epenesa. KF can’t comment. Dolph said, “The young man you refer to is really good.”

I thought Hayden called Epenesa Epenesa “Repeat.”

— Mark in Bettendorf.

This one is going to be a doozie. This guy is angry.

Let it out, brother, let it out.

Halftime adjustments. Flat in the third and fourth quarter. What are the nuts and bolts?

Actually, Mark was totally cool and asked a terrific question.

KF: Anticipate what you’re going to see and try to project. In the game, people tend to play a certain way in certain situations. Offense and defense meet. KF calls them up at 5 and talks a couple key points. Routine hasn’t varied.

Second halves, they’ve not been good.

— Radio is back. I was flossing. I don’t care if it’s not essential. It helps center me.

— Curtis from location undisclosed.

Oh man, here we go ... Aw, no. Stand down.

Wants to know about the defense.

KF: Not playing as well as we’d like. Stopping the run, gotta do better there. Minny is big, physical and has a couple of excellent RBs. Same page, technique, tackling.

You know, he’s right. The big question is that stuff that can be fixed now, in week 6? I’m a no on that one.

— Josh from Iowa Falls Down.

Josh sounds like a henchman from a black-and-white movie. Think of the voice actors who play gangsters in “The Simpsons.”

Holy crap, Josh used the term “outcoached” like six times. I think he was trying to make a point. Desmond King brought this up in postgame, but he didn’t mean it that way. And KF just said King regurgitated it because it’s what he said after the game. Bill O’Brien once told me while asking him a question about a quick handshake at Ohio State, “With all due respect, this is a question about nothing. We’re talking about nothing.”

Bill O’Brien, man. Philosopher.

Right to commercial, BTW.

— Rodney from in the hizzy at Applebee’s asks who KF is talking to on the headphones.

Everyone is connected. Offensive coaches talk to each other and have the ability to go one-on-one. Defense talks to defense. KF can channel everything. Whoa, man. Channel everything.

Greg Davis talks to CJB on the headsets.

— Mike in Iowa City.

He says, “Howdy.”

Turnover margin ... He’s on to something, but Iowa is OK in turnover margin. Plus 5 for Iowa this year.

— Wrapping it up.

11 a.m. at TCF Bank on Saturday morning. It’s ESPN2, BTW.

— Ted from Chillville, Iowa.

How does a guy who’s next in line get on the field on game day? Poor play? Achieve that?

Could be injury, performance.

Dolph is a master. A rebel country needs him at the podium.

SORRY SIR NO MORE QUESTIONS THANNY

l Comments: (319) 398-8256; marc.morehouse@thegazette.com

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