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Big Ten football power rankings for people who have never built a 7,500-square-foot house that resembles a football stadium.
1. Ohio State (5-0 overall, 2-0 in the Big Ten): Do you get the feeling the 2016 season is Michigan at Ohio State, and all the rest is an infomercial?
2. Michigan (6-0, 3-0): The Wolverines’ 78-0 win over Rutgers came 100 years and one day after Georgia Tech’s 222-0 victory over Cumberland. So Jim Harbaugh still has mountains to climb.
3. Wisconsin (4-1, 1-1): The good news: ESPN College GameDay will be in Madison Saturday. The bad news: So will Ohio State.
4. Nebraska (5-0, 2-0): The rumors about Nebraska rejoining the Big 12 are ridiculous. Nor will the Huskers be replacing Michael Strahan as Kelly Ripa’s co-hosts.
5. Coe (6-0): Back-to-back wins over Wartburg and Central. Hey Big 12, you could do worse than adding the Kohawks.
6. Indiana (3-2, 1-1): The Hoosiers were 28-point underdogs against Ohio State and lost by 21. Which explained why some Buckeye fans were booing when OSU let the clock expire with the ball deep in Indiana territory.
7. Penn State (4-2, 2-1): The last two weeks, players from Michigan and Maryland have been ejected for late hits on Penn State kicker Joey Julius. Then their teams lost to the Nittany Lions. Bad juju vs. Julius.
8. Iowa (4-2, 2-1): Akrum Wadley is averaging 6.4 yards per carry, topping all Akrums, all Wadleys, and everyone in the Big Ten who doesn’t play for Ohio State.
9. Maryland (4-1, 1-1): The Terps allowed 10 yards of rushing against Purdue on Oct. 1, then gave up 372 rushing yards against Penn State Saturday. It’s good to have different experiences, but that is absurd.
10. Northwestern (2-3, 1-1): A $260 million, 500,000-square-foot football complex will become the Wildcats’ home in the spring of 2018. To keep up, Ohio State is going to annex the state of Montana.
11. Minnesota (3-2, 0-2): The Vikings scored as many points in the first 3:37 of their win over Houston Sunday as the Gophers scored in 60 minutes against Iowa.
12. Michigan State (2-3, 0-2): The bad news: The Spartans will not have their sixth season of 11-plus wins in the last seven years. The good news: It’s only 90 miles from East Lansing to Detroit’s Quick Lane Bowl.
13. Purdue (3-2, 1-1): Purdue freshman kicker J.D. Dellinger made a field goal in overtime to beat Illinois. That isn’t the same person who wrote “The Catcher in the Rye.” That’s J.D. Salinger. Who wasn’t much of a kicker.
14. Illinois (1-4, 0-2): For those thinking the Purdue and Illinois teams might be the same thing, they were both spotted in the same place Saturday.
15. Vacated: We needed some extra space to separate everyone else from …
16. Rutgers (2-4, 0-3): Two years ago, Rutgers beat Michigan in Piscataway. Last year in Ann Arbor, the Wolverines beat the Scarlet Knights, 49-16. Saturday, Michigan had 71 points before Rutgers got a first down. If things keep trending that way, next year might be 222-0.