Warning: My annual dose of July 4 satire.
As our nation once again celebrates its independence, do you find yourself becoming tired of the same old stale American history?
The same old iconic images. The same old dusty, painstakingly researched books. And worst of all, the same old eloquent, timeless quotations from thoughtful, competent U.S. presidents leading the nation through our most trying times.
Boring! So boring.
Well, how would you like to make American history great again?
All you have to do is Trump It! (Trumpets blow)
Trump It! is a handy new smartphone app that translates any old, tired presidential quote into the luxurious language of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Our patented algorithm filters out all the political correctness, and much of the correct English, to give users a glimpse of what history might have been like had it been Trumped.
Skeptical? Check out this famous quote from Franklin Roosevelt during the Great Depression.
“Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” Roosevelt said.
How lame is that? Let’s Trump It!
“Just look at the people out there. Losers. Low energy. ‘Oh, I’m so scared. I’m so scared. Oh, oh, the big bad Depression.’ (Waving his arms in mockery) They’ve got fear coming out of their eyes, fear coming out of their whatever. Pathetic.”
Comforting, to be sure.
Harry Truman is famous for saying, “The buck stops here.”
“Stop and buy one of my hats. Twenty-five bucks.”
That’s the entrepreneurial spirit!
Surely, no one can improve on John F. Kennedy’s famous inaugural address.
“My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,” Kennedy said in 1961.
Think again. Let’s Trump It!
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“Ask lying Ted why his father was with Oswald on the grassy knoll. Ask him. Horrible.”
The hard truths will give you goose bumps. No one else has the guts to say them!
Before he was president, Gen. Dwight Eisenhower spoke to allied troops preparing for D-Day.
“You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you,” Eisenhower said.
What’s up with the political correctness, Ike? Trump it!
“Bomb the (beep) out of them.”
Even Ronald Reagan, the “Great Communicator,” needs some Trumping.
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,” Reagan said in West Berlin.
“Mr. Putin, let’s do lunch. My treat.”
You can even Trump the most famous presidential speech of all time, Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.
“The brave men, living and dead, who struggled, here, have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract,” Lincoln said as he dedicated the battlefield cemetery in 1863. “The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here, but can never forget what they did here.”
“OK, so the battle was terrible. Huge battle. Lots of dead. Sad. Very sad. But the confederacy got schlonged. Major schlonging. Am I right? And how about this ceremony? Isn’t it terrific? So terrific. By the way, I give great speeches. You know that. People love my speeches. I hear it all the time. Everybody wants to hear them. Look at this crowd. Just look at it. People are going to remember this for a long time. Trump at Gettysburg. Huge. So huge. Sad, but huge.”
Sure, Thomas Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence may seem eloquent.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” Jefferson wrote.
But it hardly reflects today’s spirited politics. Let’s Trump It!
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“And speaking of being endowed by the creator, I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you. Not all men are created equal, let me tell you.”
Any president. Any quote. Any time.
“Speak softly, and carry a big stick,” Theodore Roosevelt said.
“Always speak very, very loudly, and if anyone shows up to protest, knock the crap out of ‘em. Use sticks, fists, clubs, jackboots, whatever.”
“Liberty cannot be preserved without general knowledge among the people,” John Adams said.
“Our long national nightmare is over,” said Gerald Ford.
“Hold on America. I’m just getting started.”
Download Trump It! Today. Happy Independence Day.
l Comments: (319) 398-8452; firstname.lastname@example.org