Making America Musical Again: New anthems for Trump's reign

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Well, it’s certainly been an interesting couple of weeks.

The new administration is up and running and banning and firing. My opened heart has swiftly filled with patriotism. WebMD says that can be dangerous, so I’ve got to find a release. What to do?

I drained a swamp. I insulted an Australian. I rode a Russian stallion bare chested. I baked a flag cake. It wasn’t enough.

Then, it hit me. Some of our traditional patriotic anthems seem woefully stale as this new American dawn breaks. So I’ve freshened them up with new lyrics in keeping with our heady times. My patriotic devotion is now flowing at heart-smart levels.

Sing them loud and proud. There’s no need to thank me. Also, I’m allergic to tar and feathers.

The Fact-Mangled Bannon

(Tune of The Star-Spangled Banner)

O say can you see, by my dawn’s early tweet,

What so loudly I railed at the New York Times’ scheming!

Sad! (cymbal crash)

Whose broad hands and Breitbart, through the carnage so deep,

O’er our TVs we watched the high ratings achieving?

True! (crash)

And a huge crowd was there, with no rain in the air!

No proof? We don’t care, Trump is beyond compare.

Great! (crash)

O say does that truth-mangled Bannon yet rave,

O’er detained refugees, b’hind the wall of the brave!

America the Not-So-Beautiful, Believe Me.

(Tune of America the Beautiful)

O factories, all rusted-out.

For crime and drugs and gangs!

For middle class ripped from their homes,

The ravaged carnage sprang!

America! America!

So sad it is to see!

Who crowned my bid? A landslide did!

With help from Jim Comey!

Impressed America?

(Tune of God Bless America)

Im-pressed America? Land that I won.

Stand beside her. Won’t grab her.

Women’s march could be tough to outrun.

From Detroit sprawl to Nebraska

Mar-a-Lago, on the coast

Im-pressed America? It’s all real gold!

Send the losers and the haters,

To the black sites’ water boards!

Im-pressed America? You won’t be bored!

Battle Hymn of the Journalistic

(Tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the crowning of the Don.

He is steamrolling the media because they done him wrong.

He has loosed the angry Spicer to deliver scolds so strong.

His truth is often wrong.

Story! Story! It’s untrue-ah!

Story! Story! It’s untrue-ah!

Story! Story! It’s untrue-ah!

Believe it or shut up!

This Land’s Not Your Land

(The tune of This Land is Your Land)

This land is our land, because we own it.

From Rex’s oil rigs, to Pruitt’s frack quakes.

From the clear-cut forests, to the big Gulf dead zone.

This land was made for profiting.

(Bulldozer noise drowns out several verses)

This land is our land, our lawyers say so.

From fertilized rivers to algae-choked lakeshores.

From the melting glaciers to the rising oceans.

Hoaxes won’t stop prosperity!

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