Halloween shows sure to frighten

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Warning: satire.

Happy Halloween and welcome to sitflix, the ultimate in streaming entertainment and reality avoidance. We’re proud to announce today’s lineup of spooky on-demand specials sure to send chills up your spine, or at least leave you comatose on the couch for several hours. Enjoy!

Attack of the Pint-size Parka Zombies — Temperatures plunge on a dark Halloween night. And from the shadows they emerge, bundled, hooded and hungry. “Trick-or-treat!” they cry, over and over. Their chattering teeth and runny noses will haunt your nightmares.

The Road Warrior S-curve — A lone warrior rumbling across a post-apocalyptic hellscape meets his most dangerous challenge in navigating Cedar Rapids’ infamous I-380 S-curve. Can he survive a climactic battle with the curve and restore the automated traffic enforcement cameras that once held together highway civilization?

The Spicing — Fall is in the air as a mild-mannered author takes a break from writing to pick up some groceries. In every aisle, he encounters “pumpkin spice.” It’s in the Cheerios, it’s in the pretzels, it’s in the cookies and lip balm and dog treats and beer! He slowly is driven mad.

Dial M for Mueller — A wealthy, arrogant man believes he has planned the perfect crime, grabbing the presidency while plotting to slay democratic norms. But a shrewd, relentless gumshoe is hot on his trail. Can our hero stop the president before he tweets again?

Thanksgiving — A close-knit family sits down to a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner. It’s a scene reminiscent of Norman Rockwell, until someone brings up politics. What follows is the most intense, gravy-splattered butter knife standoff in cinema history.

The Anxiouscist — A tough-but-kind priest is called in to treat a legion of despondent, disoriented people who can’t seem to shake a feeling of gloom, doom and malaise. When he gently, but firmly, suggests looking away from their screens and unplugging for a while, their heads spin.

Cannibals at the Gate — Brave cornfield casino owners battle clans of cannibals determined to devour their gross adjusted revenues. Will the Racing and Gaming Commission arrive in time to stop the onslaught and save a saturated market from competition? Warning: gratuitous greed.

RFS DOA — Oilmen emerge from the primordial swamps of Washington, D.C. eager to do battle with the ethanol-fueled legions of King Corn and vaporize the Renewable Fuel Standard. King Corn turns to his greatest ethanol warriors, Chuck and Joni. “It’s a good day for you know what,” Chuck quips as he unleashes the fury of his 190-proof corn cannon.

Escape from Downtown — A motorist is sent on a dangerous mission to find a parking spot in downtown Cedar Rapids, but instead finds himself in a maze of two-way and one-way streets, bike lanes, mid-street parking, missing stoplights and stop signs appearing out of nowhere. Can he escape?

Saner Things — A government lab opens a rift to an alternate dimension, the “upside down,” where compromise, consensus and comity dominate political discourse. Pure science fiction.

l Comments: (319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com

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