We’ve at long last reached the official opening of the summer grilling season. Grab your tongs.
Maybe you noticed the political grilling season started months ago. And things are getting hotter by the day. With that in mind, here are some timely (fake) recipes for your holiday weekend pleasure, or consternation.
Smoked Pulled Trump, KGB-style (Kickin’ Good Barbecue!)
For the top secret rub:
A Putin of very hot paprika.
A Crimea of Russkies a-cumin.
Two head-slaps of Sean Spice
A Comey of grated nut job.
A recusal of Sessions salt.
Two hacks of freshly ground black ops.
A Kushner of fresh scrutiny.
A Mueller of granulated subpoena.
Directions: Collude ingredients in a small bowl. Deny vigorously.
For the Pulled Trump:
Buy the biggest, best most beautiful, classy pork shoulder you can find.
Soak two quarts of hardwood chunks, preferably from trees cut to make way for golf courses, casinos or coal mines, or, alternately, thick bundles of cash, for 30 minutes.
One bag of charcoal briquettes, formed by climate change-driven wildfires.
Directions: Apply rub liberally to the shoulder. Let the spices soak in for roughly the time it takes to fly to Mar-a-Lago and play 18 holes of golf.
Soak wood chunks or money. Fill a chimney starter a third of the way with charcoal and ignite using pages from the Washington Post, New York Times or FBI memos. Position briquettes with chunks or cash on top. Smoke shoulder, unobstructed, for six to eight hours.
Shred pork as you would democratic norms, and serve on buns with slaw (see below) and sauce.
For the Sauce:
One fifth of Fibbin’ Flynn Vodka
Three tablespoons of Alternative Facts Ketchup.
Two barrels of journalistic vinegar.
Three big shrugs of Congress.
A quart of Watergatershire sauce.
A Pence of pepper flakes, misinformed.
Directions: Mix ingredients in a sauce pan. Turn up the heat. Then turn it up some more.
One large hothead of outrage, over-agitated.
Two questions of reporter, responsibly sourced.
Two tablespoons of assault.
A half-cup of mayo, mauled.
Two carrots, exceedingly thin-skinned.
One red bell pepper, cut to its core and divided.
A vicious of bombastic vinegar.
A teaspoon of red state flakes.
Directions: Misplace all of your outrage on a free press and turn the screw repeatedly for desired political effect. Grab all ingredients with both hands and slam them vigorously into a large bowl. Top with shredded First Amendment. Serve to Congress.
Budget Buster Baked Beans
Two pounds of beans, counted, halved, halved again and then reduced by half.
A quarter cup of health care, squeezed, sliced and minced.
A quarter cup of SNAP, sapped.
Two tablespoons of science, scrapped.
One tablespoon of environmental protection, fracked.
A teaspoon of education, flunked.
Two heaping fistfuls of border wall, whole.
One embarrassment of tax cuts, trickled down.
Two cups of math, alternative or fuzzy.
Combine ingredients in a Dutch oven, top with bootstraps and bake until a callous crust forms. Serve to the poor. Swallow it for your own good, deadbeats.
Iowa Dems’ Gubernatorial Potato Salad
One Prichard of small town potatoes, sturdy but bland.
Two cups of McGuire’s state party malaise.
A Boulton of metropolitan mustard, citified, lawyered and slick.
A Norris of comeback, relished and Vilsacked.
One Hubbell of chopped onion, smelling of old money.
A long shot of Leopold.
A Neiderbach of dark horseradish.
Two hard-boiled Bernies, jilted.
Two stalks of Hillary, wilted.
A cup of middle class messaging, warmed over.
A dash of last chance.
A grab of Trumprika.
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Directions: Crowd ingredients into a large bowl and stir until flavors successfully meld and a winning taste emerges. Otherwise, divide and cover with an unmovable layer of Reynolds’ foil. Freeze for four years.
A pound of im-peaches, under ripe.
A Democrat of wild oats, unrestrained.
Two cups of pure cable news sugar, hyperventilated.
A tablespoon of simmerdown.
One heaping cup of all-purpose anger.
Directions: Combine ingredients and place in an oven slowly getting warmer. Serve half-baked.
50 gallons Iowa water, impaired.
A lawsuit of lemons, dismissed.
99 status quos of Farm Bureau corn syrup, well-lobbied.
A full bloom of blue-green algae, beached.
A bottle of Neverclear (optional).
Disappoint mint, for garnish.
Directions: Mix ingredients in a 55-gallon fertilizer drum using a canoe paddle. Dump into the nearest farm tile line.
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