So Iowa’s caucuses are mere hours away. What a ride it’s been.
Just think, babies born today were conceived back when Scott Walker was a good bet and Hillary Clinton’s coronation was inevitable. Now, we’re on the cusp of what may be known as the Trumpian Age, unless the republic can be saved by Marcomentum. Welcome to a very confusing world, kids.
Don’t despair. Here’s a fun little quiz to test your campaign knowledge as the moment of truth approaches.
1. Which is a real candidate book title?
A: “God, Guns, Grits and Gravy”
B: “Crippled, Bimbo, Loser, Low-Energy, Stupid, Not Great America”
C: “Are You There God? It’s me, Marco.”
D: “Are You There Ted? It’s me, God.”
E: “Cash, Credit, Courage — How Buying this Book Can Save America.”
F: “Go Set a Straw Man.”
G: “War and War.”
2. Donald Trump skipped the last debate before the caucuses. What was the reason?
A: He insisted Fox moderator Megyn Kelly is “biased” and wouldn’t treat him fairly.
B: Debate rules strictly limited him to 12 insults and 16 falsehoods.
C: Debate rules allowed other candidates to speak.
D: He heeded desperate pleas from despondent fact-checkers.
E: He’s a just big old chicken. Bock, bock, bock!
3. Bernie Sanders’ widely praised TV ad was set to what 1960s song?
A: Simon and Garfunkel “America”
B: Strawberry Alarm Clock “Incensed at Plutocrats.”
C: Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell “Ain’t No Taxes High Enough.”
D: The Beach Boys “God Only Knows (How We Get Past Congress).”
E: The Beatles “All You Need is Love (And a few trillion dollars).”
4. Hillary Clinton insists measured, incremental changes in federal policy are more realistic than promises of a political revolution because …
A: As she says on the trail, that’s what her vast experience has taught her.
B: Running on your party’s greatest aspirations is no way to win a primary.
C: She gave a $200,000 speech to Goldman Sachs executives entitled “Don’t Worry, I Swear I will Only Seek Measured, Incremental Changes and Won’t Stop You from Consolidating Vast Wealth.”
D: Surely Republicans will embrace her ideas if she just makes them more palatable.
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5. Gov. Terry Branstad, unhappy with Texas Sen. Ted Cruz’s stand on ethanol, said he hoped the GOP candidate would be …
A: Defeated on caucus night.
B: Dropped into the middle of the world’s most elaborate corn maze.
C: Driven to the border by troopers doing a “hard 90.”
D: Deported to Canada.
E: Handed over to Monsanto for genetic modifications.
6. Sarah Palin made quite a splash in the caucus campaign by …
A: Endorsing Donald Trump.
B: Forging a formidable political alliance between rockin’ rollers and holy rollers.
C: Making a passionate plea for Iowa statehood.
D: Hunting establishment Republicans from a helicopter.
E: Leaving Donald Trump speechless for several whole seconds.
7. Bernie Sanders concedes his policy proposals would lead to significant tax increases. What does he say would lessen the effect of higher taxes?
A: Individual savings from universal health insurance, free college, expanded family leave and other initiatives would exceed additional taxes for many taxpayers.
B: A quick overnight flight to the Cayman Islands.
C: Money from the pockets of oligarchs being snatched up by their feet and shaken high above many American cities.
D: Access to Rand Paul’s secret underground “Liberty caves.”
8. Donald Trump’s campaign slogan promises to “Make America” … what?
A: Great Again.
B: Very, very anxious.
C: Wish it had paid more attention in Social Studies.
D: Become very interested in Canadian real estate.
E: A place where casual racism, sexism and homophobia are OK again.
F: Wistful for the warmth, humanity and humor of Mitt Romney.
9. An ongoing FBI probe into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server while secretary of state gives Democrats …
A: Some pause, given the possibility her campaign could be marred by charges of wrongdoing.
B: An opportunity to get this behind them and make room for the next scandal.
C: A vision of Joe Biden, arriving in a fighter jet outside the Democratic National Convention, jumping from the cockpit, whipping off his aviators and saying, with a slight, confident smirk, “Now what the (beep) is all this about?”
D: A distinct Berning sensation.
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10. Republican candidates have said they would do what on “Day One” as president?
A: Rescind President Obama’s executive orders.
B: Leave several strongly worded phone messages for Mexico about the wall thing.
C: Issue the order to destroy all of America’s enemies. Then wait.
D: Realize repealing Obamacare is not nearly as fun without Obama.
E: Order a pie, a whole pie, any kind you want!
F: Sense the honeymoon has ended, have lunch.
11. Activists in both parties believe a “silent majority” of the American electorate are …
A: Ready and willing to be mobilized in a grass roots groundswell behind real, massive political change that could alter the course of history.
B: Sitting in America’s coffee shops, wearing earphones and looking sullen.
C: Responsible for all the quick, easy weeknight recipes posted on Facebook.
D: Ready for another beer, and maybe a nap.
E: Fully prepared to settle for the lesser of two evils.
12. What’s the most common criticism of Iowa’s caucuses from outsiders?
A: They’re an arcane, confusing relic conducted in a state that’s far less diverse and urban than the county candidates are running to lead.
B: Rural legends that warn outsiders of a condition known as “pork coma.”
C: We don’t always pick a presidential winner, according to pundits still waiting for Jeb’s surge.
D: Roving gangs of renewable fuel thugs.
E: The state’s bleak, forbidding and frozen landscape forces political reporters to contemplate the dark recesses of their soulless existence and reflect, unblinking, on the true value of their ceaseless toil.
Answer key: The correct answer is A. Or pick the ones you like.
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